What I’ve realised about boundaries in the last few years is that people who get upset about others’ boundaries would never think twice about keeping their own.
Setting boundaries is a matter of self respect. It’s about saying YES to you.
If you struggle with boundary setting you will most likely find yourself saying yes even when you want to say no. You probably put everyone else first even when you are burnt out, exhausted and resentful.
Some people seem to have no qualms about overstepping or plain ignoring your boundaries – however if you have allowed these boundaries for a long time they may not even realise that they are doing so.
If you want certain boundaries you have to set them first. Unfortunately nobody can read your mind. Unless you tell people or demonstrate your wishes and make them clear, people will continue to do what they have always been doing.
Do you know where your boundaries are? Maybe you haven’t really thought about it. Ask yourself what you are and are not willing to accept. Once you know what your boundaries are you can begin to put them in place.
Be firm and consistent. It won’t change overnight and may even cause friction at first especially if you have been allowing certain behaviours for a long time. When the person realises that you mean business their behaviour will slowly start to change. Remember if you’ve been allowing someone to treat you a certain way for 20 years, it will take time to undo.
Caring about yourself is a necessity, you’re the only person who can. Excess stress can make you ill and caring about your well-being is imperative to being healthy.
Be kind to yourself and others.
The first step to healing is acknowledging that there’s something wrong. Before that happens there is basically no way you can heal. If you keep insisting that you are “fine” when you are not then how does the healing process start?
It is okay to not be okay. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, you can just admit it to yourself. Once you do that then you can get assistance or guidance.
We think we have to be okay or look okay or seem okay all or most of the time. What is that about?
Perhaps we are trying to protect ourselves from something. We think people will think we are weak, useless, helpless, selfish, imperfect. Those are some of the thoughts that we may be harbouring. Most of those thoughts are untrue (coaching sessions help with clarification on this).
Nobody is okay all of the time – this means you are not alone. Many people go through what you are going through. Sometimes just talking it out is healing in itself.
Don’t hold on to your strong perfect bravado. Cry a little. Be vulnerable. This is how we start to heal.
Wishing you well
I stayed up on Sunday night carefully planning my week so that I could be very productive and get a lot done.
At about 4:30 on Monday morning I woke up to the puppy crying and scratching on her box to be let out. This was the second time during the night that she had woken up, the previous time was before midnight when I had been asleep for an hour or so. She has been with us for only a few days and we are all trying to adjust to having a baby (albeit a dog) in the house. She went out into the dark and cold to go and do her business all by herself and came straight back. She’s only 8 weeks old! I put a warm water bottle into her bed and comforted her a bit until she went back to sleep. My older dog is a late sleeper and doesn’t take too well to being woken up before dawn but he comes to check on her anyway with a soft growl telling her to go back to sleep. It’s honestly adorable watching these two (although not so much at that time of the morning while trying not to wake up the entire household with the commotion).
I went back to sleep at about 5:15 and my alarm woke me at 6:30 only to find that I had a headache which would last me until the next day. I walked into the kitchen feeling a bit like a zombie and realised that I had a lot of washing up to do after my children’s party on Sunday and didn’t feel like it at all and hadn’t added it into my diary.
I could see my plans for the day beginning to evaporate like steam off the road after a summer rain.
So what I decided to do was take it one step at a time. Take pain killers, lie down, do a few dishes, work a bit, and then repeat most of the above steps.
Basically I took it slowly and went according to what the reality was and not what I had hoped it would be. We can plan to our heart’s content but when things don’t work out we have an opportunity to practise being flexible and letting go of our expectations.
By the end of the day although I hadn’t done everything I had wanted to do my day was still good and I did manage to fit in a few of my diary entries. I scheduled the rest into other time slots for the week. Even though I had a headache, I actually landed up having a chilled, enjoyable day.
Wishing you a satisfying week.
Steve Jobs said: “The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, don’t settle.”
So how do you do great work if you don’t love what you do?
Find a way to love or at least like a part of it. Here are a few ideas.
* Have a purpose for what you are doing. Decide what it is you are going for – (If you haven’t done the Power of Purpose
course you may wish to consider it as an option).
* Write a list of what you like about your work – maybe it’s the people or the coffee or the view out of your window or the organising.
* Write a list of what you dislike about your job. Now take that list and try and find ways to change a few of them.
* Why are you doing what you are doing? Your answers may give you clarity.
* Make a difference in someone else’s life at work. Giving of yourself to others – even if it’s a pleasant smile or a heartfelt ear – builds you up as well as being pleasurable.
* If you have an opportunity to work towards what you really want in your life then set a goal and start working towards it. The best time to begin was 5 years ago but if you didn’t, then begin now.
Keep in mind that even if you start off doing what you really love, it can still become drudgery and “just a job” if you don’t add purpose to it.
Wishing you well
The truth (to me) is that it’s not about impressing people, it’s about being the best you can be in this world. It can be completely anonymous and very quiet. No-one needs to know. Just be yourself, use your gifts, and be a good person. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Don’t try too hard to be noticed or to impress people. Impress yourself.
People will love the real you.