Compromise vs Compromising Yourself

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Apple sewn togetherCompromise is not about losing, it’s about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do ~ Donna Martini

In any relationship where two people are trying to make a decision no matter if it’s what furniture to buy, which holiday destination is preferable, when to have children, what to have for dinner…. etc, it’s necessary to compromise so that you can both be happy with the outcome.  Of course you are not always going to be happy but in general two people should aim for a win-win situation.

(Obviously deciding what to have for dinner is not such a big issue unless you have specific dietary requirements and your partner insists on going to a place where there’s nothing you can eat).

Giving in too often will lead you to resent the other person and this can result in an unhealthy relationship where you take subtle revenge on each other, perhaps in a passive aggressive way or where you hold back and don’t give your all.

As I discussed in last week’s article every person needs to have their needs met.  We all want and need things from the other person and relationships are a matter of give and take.  If you are the one who keeps having to give in to make the other person happy you will be constricting your self, making your self smaller and in the long run, unhappy.

Remember, you are important and worthy too.

The aim would be to both be happy so talk about it and come to a compromise that works for both of you, most of the time.

It’s important to know when to bend and when to stand your ground.  Often we have to agree to disagree and meet somewhere in the middle. Relationships are about seeing each other and supporting each other’s dreams and values.  You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams unless they are illegal or gross.

Check in with yourself that you are not the person insisting on getting your way all the time.  It’s important for self growth and for your relationship to notice when you need to work on yourself.

This is work for all of us because relationships are designed to stretch us.

Build each other up and treat each other with respect and care.

With love
Eve

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If You Were Them

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What is your partner doing to you that is bugging you or where do you feel a lack?***

Love PenguinsThere are two opinions in every relationship.  Whatever negative feelings you are having towards the other person, they are having some negative feelings towards you too.

According to a video I watched with Tony Robbins there are 6 basic human needs in relationships:

  1. Certainty – That we feel comfortable and secure in our relationship.
  2. Uncertainty – Variety and challenges to exercise our physical range.
  3. Significance – Every person needs to feel wanted, needed, important and worthy of love.
  4. Connection/Love – Everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for love.
  5. Growth – When we stop growing we die.  We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
  6. Contribution – To go beyond our own needs and give to others.

Each person has two main needs from the above list (from numbers 1 – 4) that they need to thrive in a relationship.

When our needs are not being met we may have weapons that we use against the other person for example: hurtful words, sarcasm, shutting them out etc.

To put our weapons down we need to feel that our needs are being met.  At the same time, our partner’s needs are not being met by us because if we are feeling resentful, you can be sure you are holding back some love or whatever they need the most.

One of the things we need to do is to look at it from the other person’s point of view:  What am I doing in this relationship?  Is this person feeling secure, significant, loved, are we growing together, what am I contributing?

Yes obviously you need to have your needs met as well and that is something that can be discussed between the two of you but at the same time you are doing things that are not creating beauty in your relationship.  So ask yourself “What would my partner be saying about me?  What does he/she feel that I am doing or not doing?”

And then do it. 

We need to commit ourselves to our partner in order to create the relationship that we want or crave.  It does work better if you are both working towards it in the same way but if not then whatever efforts you put in, your partner will notice them and changes should happen.  It’s not enough to say I love you on the day you get married and then only say it at birthdays.  Relationships require constant commitment for both partners to feel that their basic human needs are being met.

This is just one aspect of building your relationship into something wonderful and it is a really GOOD start.

Wishing you love, connection and joy.

Eve

*** This can be applied to ANY relationship that you wish to improve.