Reopening the Door

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funny life door

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we had hoped but it doesn’t mean we can’t still have a life worth living. There are ways to fix things that seem broken.

Let’s take relationships for example. All relationships require that we spend time making them happen. People who live together can be like ships in the night, you see each other in the passage, say good morning and goodnight, maybe even sit together watching tv but you don’t actually spend quality time together.

NOTICING

The first thing to save a situation like this is to NOTICE that it is happening. Once you are aware of the situation you can take steps to make things better.

END IN MIND

Next, decide about how you would like your relationship to be and then work towards that vision.

ACTION

Take steps to make it happen. Some examples: Take time to hear about each other’s day. Help with the dishes or make a meal together once a week. Buy your partner a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s a gesture to show your partner that you thought about them). Give your partner sincere compliments.

RECOGNITION

Recognise all the good they do and acknowledge them for it. Everyone wants to be appreciated for the effort they put in.

PLAY

Have fun together. Do things that you both like doing. Go on dates. Play a song and dance together. Bath the dogs together. Squirt water at each other (keep in mind you must both like water to some extent). Make each other laugh.

FORGIVENESS

Neither of you are going to get it right a lot of the time. Forgive each other for being human and pick it up from where you left off. If there is something huge to forgive then perhaps see someone who can help you do that.

NOTICE

And we are back to the NOTICING again. Notice your partner. Notice when they are sad and let them talk to you or just be there for them. Notice when they are happy and enjoy it and be happy with them. Notice when they need help to hold the ladder. Notice when they can’t open the lid of the bottle.

Relationships are a gift (sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). They are a gift to help us grow, to have connection, to share your life with another person. It’s not something to just let happen. You need to be an active member.

With love

Eve

For online coaching please contact me with a simple click.

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15 Minutes

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Relationships can be enjoyable, horrible, stressful, amazing, connecting, separating, draining, life giving.

One of the best eye openers to what goes on in a relationship (any relationship) is when there is a power outage.  Suddenly, there’s no internet, no WhatsApp, no food to cook, no TV.  There’s only candles and LED lights and each other.

To make a relationship work requires that both (but it can start with just one of the couple) makes an effort to connect.  The phones and all other technology can so easily get in the way of that.

Here are a few ways to make a change:

PHONE DOWN
Put your phone down when you see a family member coming towards you or when you hear them walking down the passage.  It makes them feel wanted and noticed.  Give your loved ones a proper greeting when they come home, a hug and a kiss goes a long way to someone feeling loved and appreciated.

FAMILY TIME
Make dinner time a no-phone zone.  Even though it’s difficult to get this to happen it reaps benefits.  There are so many studies which state the benefits of sitting down together as a family to eat dinner.  Maybe that’s your only time together every day so put the phones away.

SOCIAL MEDIA DIET
Facebook, instagram, Youtube are not going to bring you closer to the people you love.  Make time to cook together, declutter together, go out for ice cream or walk the dogs.  That’s what will build real relationships.

15 MINUTES
Studies have shown that in marriages that thrive well, a couple spends an uninterrupted 15 minutes together every day.  15 minutes.

FORGIVENESS
This is all very good and well, however, life happens and it doesn’t always go so easily.  So forgive yourself when you make a mistake but make it better next time.  Forgive your partner for not getting it right too.

Relationships are so necessary to our lives (any type of relationship) yet we often don’t put enough into them.  Decide what is important to you and work towards it.

That’s all.

With love
Eve

Real Life

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real life vs instagram

Remember people only post what they want you to see on their instagram or facebook pages.

Somebody’s amazing marriage or perfect children, fabulous home, high powered job in real life is also filled with angst just like your life is.  What you see (on facebook and instagram) is not what you get.  Nobody’s life is picture perfect.  Nobody smiles all the time.

Be thankful for the life you have and love it for what it is.

With love
Eve

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p.s. So excited that my products are finally here!  For South Africans only at the moment.

Good Moodles

Heroes Among Us

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heroesI read an article today about how the Israeli army rescued 422 White Helmet rescue workers in Syria and transported them to Jordan where they will then be absorbed into the U.K., Germany and Canada.  The White Helmet rescue workers have been working in Syria to help rescue people trapped under rubble and caught in the fighting in that war torn country.  These are volunteers.

I watched a video about an orphan chimpanzee who had been abused when she was younger and was then rescued by a Chimpanzee rescue organisation. At the time of her death at age 49, while on her way to being buried, the other orphaned chimps in the rescue centre stood quietly by and put their arms around each other.  That is just a side note.  The fact is there are many places in the world that give their time and efforts to rescuing vulnerable animals.

I watched a video about a man who found an emaciated and diseased dog and started feeding it and looking after it and since then feeds and finds home for many abandoned dogs.  He has so far saved 1000 dogs.  This man does this on his own.

My daughter was feeling sick on her way to university and stopped on the side of the road, dropping her wallet out of her car today.  When she went back some time later to see if she could find her wallet there, a man who had found it was trying to track her down to return her wallet to her.

There’s a place in South Africa somewhere that rescues bats.  Bats!

A few months ago I had a small car accident and a random woman stopped to make sure I was okay and didn’t leave until I had been sorted out.

I watched a video where people are taking plastic which is choking our marine life and using it to build fishing boats, houses, bicycles, wheelchairs and more.

There are many many stories like these.  Every day somewhere in the world, maybe in your own neighbourhood there are hidden heroes who do good.  We tend to read or watch all the bad news emanated to us from around the globe which diminishes all the good that the everyday heroes are doing.  These heroes are almost invisible.  Let’s look for these stories and show up these heroes so that we can bring more hope into a world that sometimes seems dark.

Let’s also become these heroes.

With love
Eve

 

The Trick to Changing Someone

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carl jung quotes | finding peace of mind | mindfulness techniques | emotional resilience | deal with feelings | acceptance and commitment therapy

So-and-so is important to you and is a really nice person, has lots of good traits but is sometimes a pain in the neck and doesn’t do what you wish they would. You may be tempted to change them only to find that even if they did make some changes, those changes don’t last very long.

The trick to changing someone is….. drumroll …………….

Changing yourself.

Lori Palatnik (author and speaker) says that children are born with their main personalities in place.  If that is true then how much more so for adults who have been living for quite a long time – i.e. they are set in their ways.

When we want someone to change we have to do to them what we want them to do for us.  If you want someone to pay attention to you, you need to pay attention to them first.  If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them first.  It may sound annoying to even think that this is the case but it works.

Just try it for two weeks and see the results.  Every person in a relationship is a separate entity.  Each person comes from their own perspective and believes that they are the wronged or suffering one.  If you want change it has to come from you.  Then change happens.

Talking doesn’t always work.  Action works better.

With love
Eve

 

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Eve Marks is a Fulfillment Coach and Artist.

The Opposite of Love isn’t Hate

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ignored

Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.”

Apparently there are have been scientific studies which prove that the brain registers as physical pain when a person is being ignored.  I have read a couple of articles on it but I don’t have the scientific sources.  If it is true though, why do we feel so much pain at being ignored and what can we do about it?

Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but the silence is really saying a lot.  It’s also a way to inflict pain without fighting.  It’s a type of passive aggressive behaviour.

When someone ignores you how do you feel?  Angry?  Hurt?  Irritated?  Sad?

When we are ignored we start to think all sorts of things about ourselves such as:

  • They don’t like me
  • I’m unloveable
  • People always ignore me
  • I am invisible
  • Fill your own in here ………………

These type of thoughts and  beliefs we have create the pain we feel.

What can we do?

Ask yourself questions.  For example: 

  • Is it true that I am invisible? (No it’s not because if you turn to someone and ask them they will verify that you are visible to them).
  • Is it true that they don’t like me?  (Well unless you ask them you will never really know).
  • Do I need to care that they don’t like me?  (Well do you?)
  • Can I be myself no matter what? (It may be hard but chances are you can give yourself the permission to be yourself).
  • If someone ignores me am I unloveable?  (No.)

Affirm yourself with words of love:

  • I am a loveable, visible human being.
  • My worth is not measured by these particular people.
  • There are people who take notice of what I say.

The bottom line is that yes, being ignored is hurtful but it doesn’t mean you are not a beautiful, worthy human being.  You just need to remind yourself of that and try not to let others affect your beliefs about yourself and the world.  Keep in mind that we inflict this kind of pain on others too and it is good to be aware of our own behaviour and to rectify it in some way.

Was this article helpful to you?

If you wish to book a consultation to deal with this type of problem in a more in depth and personal way please feel free to contact me by clicking here.

With love
Eve

Help Offered

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Displaying

3 weeks ago I was happily walking the dogs when I stepped into a hole and twisted my ankle.  I tore a ligament and have since been on crutches and in a moon boot.  Firstly I want to praise the inventor of the moon boot because it allowed me to be reasonably mobile at home.

Last week I was finally able to go shopping.  First I went to Moishes butchery (while my hubby who had dropped me there went to buy dogfood) and I was standing in the queue when I saw that the teller looked at my foot and was frowning.  When I got to her till she said to me that I shouldn’t have waited in the queue, next time I should just come to the front of the queue.  She then called the security officer to take my packets to the car for me which he duly did.

My hubby then dropped me at Woolies in Norwood and I was quite sure I would manage on my own and would catch an Uber back home.  While looking at the fresh produce a tall, gentle looking staff member named Bafana offered to push my trolley for me while I shopped.  I was so taken aback and felt very grateful for his offer but decided to do it myself as I knew that I would probably take quite long and didn’t want to use up his time.  It was actually quite challenging as I had to push the trolley with my tummy and it’s quite awkward reaching for items and then putting them in the trolley while walking with both crutches.  Bafana came to check on me halfway through my shopping and told me he really wanted to help me and suggested that I ask him next time.  My hubby fetched me as he had already finished all he had to do while I was in Woolies!  I told you I would take long.

Even though I could have relied on those people and it probably would have been wiser to do so, I was tired yet elated when I got home.  I was so amazed by the kindness of these strangers.  They had genuine care in their eyes.  It did not seem to be just a matter of being a good employee, they sincerely wanted to be of help.

I had to take a backseat these three weeks and let other people do things for me which is harder than you would think.  Sitting back and letting others do the work is not my default setting.  I would like to thank my family for making me feel comfortable and allowing me the time I needed to heal.  I have written to the shops to praise their staff members and hope that they get recognised in some way.

The kindness of strangers happens more than we think.  Let’s spread stories of kindness as much as possible.  I think we all need a little bit of sun.

Wishing you well
Eve