Why should I forgive them?!


forgiveness 2

People hurt each other.  It happens to everyone.  Intentionally, unintentionally, regretfully or not.  It’s a part of what we do as people.  The beauty is that we have the ability to heal and forgive.  Adi Alsaid

They hurt you…. why do they even deserve forgiveness?

Forgiving someone is more for yourself than for them.  Ask yourself this…. When you hold on to the pain, the hurt and the anger, who are you really punishing?  Not speaking to someone or being snide or being vengeful does not hurt them as much as it hurts you.  In fact they might not even know that you are holding on to this stuff.

When you forgive someone you are choosing to let go of the anger, hatred or ill will that you are holding towards a person in order that you can heal from this wound.  Forgiveness does not excuse their actions, forgiveness prevents their actions from hurting you further.

Why should you forgive them after all they have done to you?

Think of an open wound.  If you don’t clean up the wound, disinfect it and check on it, it will fester and get worse and worse, it could even become dangerous.  If neglected long enough a wound can kill a person.

When we hold bitter indignation towards someone for a long time it’s like an internal wound.  The other person is not getting sick, we are.  They might not even know we have the wound.  We are effectively poisoning our own body.

Forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to abuse you over and over again.  That’s where boundaries come in.

If you want to forgive someone but can’t, get the help you need to do it.

With love


Should you care?


When you are 20 you care what everyone else thinks,
When you are 40 you stop caring what everyone else thinks,
When you are 60 you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place
– Will Rogers

Some things that are true about me…  I’m giving, I’m compassionate, I’m helpful, I’m capable, I’m creative, I’m insightful, I’m authentic, I love.

carefree 2So whether people think badly about me or not, they can’t take away what is true about me.  If I believe my truths then I will live them to the best of my ability.  If I believe what others may or may not think about me, I will revert back to my averse beliefs in myself and I will hold myself back from the world.  I know this because I’ve done this and every so often I still do but I’m growing and more often I am able to hold on to what is true about me and I like what I see.

Unless someone actually tells you how they feel about you, everything you think they think is speculation.  If they do tell you what they think about you in an ill-disposed or hurtful way it doesn’t mean you have to be convinced, because you don’t know what lies behind their words.  

Sometimes people will think negatively about you but 5 minutes later they have forgotten about it because they are involved in themselves.  It’s important to remember that not everybody has to like you.  If you are living your best life and not purposefully hurting anyone then what they think should not bring you down.  As I’ve told you before, your own thoughts about yourself are what hurt you because deep down you have negative convictions about yourself which feel real to you.  

Telling yourself your own truths is not boasting, it’s recognizing who you are.  Boasting is excessively proud and self-satisfied talk about your achievements, possessions, or abilities.  Living your truths is about being – not necessarily talking about them especially to put yourself above another person.  Nobody is superior or inferior to anybody else.  

So for a change instead of acting out your life based on your negative beliefs about yourself, start to live by your truths.

Write down some truths about yourself now – I’ll wait.  

With love

p.s. if you need help to find those truths, please book a time with me to help you online.  I’m having  special for the rest of July/August – 20% discount per session = only $33 via skype or zoom.

How do you spell love?


love child and dogHow do you spell love?  – Piglet
You don’t spell it, you feel it. – Pooh

I have noticed that it’s easy to forget to love when we are busy and taken over by life’s happenings.

We forget because we lose our presence.  I see it in myself…. when I have a lot to do someone (like my husband or child) can talk to me but I’m not fully there, I’m only half there and I’m not paying full attention.  The thing is when I do pay full attention the whole scenario turns out differently.  When I’m half there I’m also dismissive, trying to get the things done that seem so important (and sometimes they are) but it disconnects me from the other person, they feel my lack of attention, my hurry or my lack of interest in their story.

When you slow down slightly, breathe deeply a couple times and connect properly with the other person by putting everything down, hearing what they have to say, looking them in the eyes and sometimes adding some acknowledging touch, not only do they feel loved but you will feel love for them.  Communicating is an all senses experience.

Of course you will be unavailable sometimes but you can choose to set a time to connect with them a bit later.

When people feel loved by you, you will see it in their eyes or their demeanor and you will automatically feel love towards them.

There is something extraordinary about being present, about really being there,  bringing love into being….. don’t you think?

Eve Marks

Your inner strength is rubbing off


I see youCompassionate people ask for what they need.  They say no when they need to and when the say yes, they mean it.  They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment  – Brene Brown

 I volunteered to be on the team for the More to Life Weekend.  I can’t emphasise enough how life changing that weekend workshop can be.  It was amazing to be a part of it.  Not only did the participants grow exponentially and have huge transformation in their lives – walking in at the beginning of the weekend heads down, shoulders slouched, faces stretched taut – walking out at the end eyes shining, bodies standing tall, faces emanating joy….. but those on team also grew in leaps and bounds.  It was a privilege to behold.

Each person on team works on something in their own lives where they are wanting to grow and I chose boundaries because that is an area of challenge in my life.

The more to life community is unique in that it encourages each person to stick to their growth edge (mine being boundaries) so if I choose to say no to something, I am encouraged by them.  

Brene Brown describes boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok”.  Since the weekend there have been many moments where I have been challenged by life to stick to my boundaries.  Since being back at home I am a much more peaceful, loving and accepting individual where little issues were just that …. little.  Instead of getting upset I used my new found growth to discuss them in a loving, firm, connecting way to inspire the kind of behaviour I want towards me and others. 

This last Friday night instead of quietly complimenting my family in whispers, I said out loud (just this once) what I loved about each person.  Then they in turn responded with what they have noticed or love about me.  One of my children looked at me and said “Mom what I have noticed about you this week is that you have an inner strength and it is rubbing off on all of us”.  Tears to my eyes.

When we let people get away with behaviours that are not okay we can become resentful and hateful.  I am choosing not to allow that to happen anymore.  I want to be peaceful, loving and connecting and I am important enough not to accept certain things that are not okay for me.  Boundaries are not walls or rifts they are respect.  

There may be brief sweating when setting boundaries because doing so could bring on other people’s disappointments and could make them angry.  Once they understand that this is not a once-off, things will change.  I used to think that setting boundaries was too strict and I should be doing things for everybody (or else maybe they won’t like me or our relationship will end).  What I have realised though is that setting boundaries is kind.  Not just to me but to them.  Lying about your true feelings and then holding resentment is not loving and caring and doesn’t keep relationships healthy.

I am deeply grateful for having experienced the More to Life weekend once again and I encourage you to look out for it next time (November).

Sending you much love, my precious reader.


Why are you unhappy?


smileWe were designed in such an interesting way.  In our formative years (age 0 – 7) “they” say our personalities are formed.  All our experiences – hard or happy – mold us into the adults we become.  No matter how easy or difficult our childhoods were we all have hang ups.

So now, as adults, we have subconscious thoughts and chatter that goes on in our minds that we are unaware of.  These thoughts come from decisions we made as children based on our experiences at the time.

We don’t usually know what our underlying thoughts are or even that we are thinking them but they are there nonetheless and they cause us much unhappiness, grief and sometimes physical or mental illness.

I have been trained (by More to Life) to unpack these thoughts which are usually judgements, expectations and false beliefs and to challenge their truth.

When unpacking your subconscious thoughts you will be amazed at how hard you are on yourself (or others).  This is what makes you unhappy or even ill.

You are more than your thoughts and you are more than the negative things you believe about yourself.  You are enough as you already are.

I am available to help you find your happiness and your good health so be in contact.

I also want to encourage you to consider the More to Life weekend (click for the link) if you live in South Africa, which will be held from Saturday night to Monday night 15 – 17 June 2019.  It transformed my life and I still use the tools today that I learned on the weekend I attended 9 years ago.  I would be happy to assist you with any information that you need.

With love

If only I had done it differently


Let go that things could have been differentEvery now and then I get upset with myself for not doing something I should have or for doing something I shouldn’t have.  For me it’s often about how I’ve been as a parent.  I feel guilt and regret and think, if only I had done it differently.

Think about the person or situation that applies to you in this case.

Is it a given that things would have turned out well if you had done things in another way?

Well maybe you could have done things differently (there’s always scope for growth) and there is a possibility that the situation could have turned out better but how do you know that things would have turned out the way you think they should have?

Maybe not much would have changed or maybe the scenario would have gone in a completely different direction (good or bad).  Maybe you worry a lot about things you can’t control.  After all you can’t change what has already happened.  At the most you can apologise and make amends and work at changing the way you behave now.

We have expectations about how life should be but life doesn’t happen in neat little packages.  It happens the way it happens and we often have very little control of the outcome.

Instead of holding on to guilt of the past, rather spend your energy being the best you can be now.  Beating yourself up is going to do nothing except give you bruises.

With love

If You Were Them


What is your partner doing to you that is bugging you or where do you feel a lack?***

Love PenguinsThere are two opinions in every relationship.  Whatever negative feelings you are having towards the other person, they are having some negative feelings towards you too.

According to a video I watched with Tony Robbins there are 6 basic human needs in relationships:

  1. Certainty – That we feel comfortable and secure in our relationship.
  2. Uncertainty – Variety and challenges to exercise our physical range.
  3. Significance – Every person needs to feel wanted, needed, important and worthy of love.
  4. Connection/Love – Everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for love.
  5. Growth – When we stop growing we die.  We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
  6. Contribution – To go beyond our own needs and give to others.

Each person has two main needs from the above list (from numbers 1 – 4) that they need to thrive in a relationship.

When our needs are not being met we may have weapons that we use against the other person for example: hurtful words, sarcasm, shutting them out etc.

To put our weapons down we need to feel that our needs are being met.  At the same time, our partner’s needs are not being met by us because if we are feeling resentful, you can be sure you are holding back some love or whatever they need the most.

One of the things we need to do is to look at it from the other person’s point of view:  What am I doing in this relationship?  Is this person feeling secure, significant, loved, are we growing together, what am I contributing?

Yes obviously you need to have your needs met as well and that is something that can be discussed between the two of you but at the same time you are doing things that are not creating beauty in your relationship.  So ask yourself “What would my partner be saying about me?  What does he/she feel that I am doing or not doing?”

And then do it. 

We need to commit ourselves to our partner in order to create the relationship that we want or crave.  It does work better if you are both working towards it in the same way but if not then whatever efforts you put in, your partner will notice them and changes should happen.  It’s not enough to say I love you on the day you get married and then only say it at birthdays.  Relationships require constant commitment for both partners to feel that their basic human needs are being met.

This is just one aspect of building your relationship into something wonderful and it is a really GOOD start.

Wishing you love, connection and joy.


*** This can be applied to ANY relationship that you wish to improve.