If only I had done it differently

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Let go that things could have been differentEvery now and then I get upset with myself for not doing something I should have or for doing something I shouldn’t have.  For me it’s often about how I’ve been as a parent.  I feel guilt and regret and think, if only I had done it differently.

Think about the person or situation that applies to you in this case.

Is it a given that things would have turned out well if you had done things in another way?

Well maybe you could have done things differently (there’s always scope for growth) and there is a possibility that the situation could have turned out better but how do you know that things would have turned out the way you think they should have?

Maybe not much would have changed or maybe the scenario would have gone in a completely different direction (good or bad).  Maybe you worry a lot about things you can’t control.  After all you can’t change what has already happened.  At the most you can apologise and make amends and work at changing the way you behave now.

We have expectations about how life should be but life doesn’t happen in neat little packages.  It happens the way it happens and we often have very little control of the outcome.

Instead of holding on to guilt of the past, rather spend your energy being the best you can be now.  Beating yourself up is going to do nothing except give you bruises.

With love
Eve

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The Unanswered Question

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Here’s something that blew my mind.helpful kids with dog

There are no problems says Tony Robbins.  A problem is just a question that remains unanswered. And what is an issue? An issue is a question that remains unanswered that has a judgement attached to it.

Here is an example that you could relate to: The cost of living has gone up hugely (not only in South Africa) and it is difficult to afford many of the expenses that come up regularly and especially emergency expenses, nevermind saving up for retirement and other life goals. If you focus on the fact that it’s a problem it can become insurmountable and unfixable and very stressful.

And what about an issue? If an issue is the same as a problem but with a judgement attached to it, the judgement would be something like – I have no self control.  Life is unfair. There is never enough.

If you look at it instead as a question that remains unanswered you need to ask a question.  So you could ask something like – What can I do to earn extra money? How can I put away a small amount every month towards savings? Where am I spending too much? Am I buying things that I don’t need? What can I cut back on? Do I need help and if so how can I get help?

Once you start asking and answering these questions you will start to find solutions for the situation that you find yourself in. If we use the above example you may find that there are various ways to change the way you’ve been using money up until now.

Does this make sense to you? The same applies to any “problem” or “issue”.

Do you see how this can help you to get through situations that are difficult or stressful? Let me know what you think.

 

Moving Past Guilt

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guilty.jpgA few things about guilt and how to change it.

Guilt is often caused by something we think we did or didn’t do.  We think we should have acted differently in the scenario.

An example would be that you said something to someone and they felt hurt by what you said.  You feel guilty about it and stew in your guilt, often avoiding the person or feeling awkward in their presence.  Maybe both of you will treat each other differently now.  What can you do about it?

Feeling guilty is an emotion that may be calling you to do something.  You may have gone against your own value system and you have an opportunity to rectify things. Can you make amends?  Can you apologise?  The way to deal with guilt is to give yourself some time to feel guilty about the particular situation …. say 15 minutes.  Then forgive yourself and make amends or choose do things differently next time.

If we hold onto guilt we may start punishing ourselves without realising it.  We can even become ashamed which means we start to point fingers at ourselves (as a person instead of just the action that was done).  We berate ourselves and put ourselves down.

Did you do as much wrong as you think you did?  Was there something more you could have done if the situation had been different?  Maybe you are being very hard on yourself, harder than you think.

1) Forgive yourself

2) Realise you are human

3) If there is something you can do to make amends, do it.

4) If you think there is nothing you can do to make amends you may be mistaken because even if the person is no longer around, you can do a good deed in their name.

5) Remember all the things you do right.

6) Talk to someone who can help if you are not managing to sort through this.

Being the best version of yourself takes a lifetime, don’t expect perfection.  Doing your best to grow is how you will get there.

With love
Eve

Society: Be Yourself. Society: No not like that

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accidental iconLyn Slater (pictured here) is a 64 year old Professor who became an accidental fashion icon.  She was at Fashion Week with her friend and suddenly the photographers and journalists were standing around her, taking her photo and speaking to her because they thought she was a fashion icon.  She since started a blog called Accidental Icon and you can find her anywhere on the internet.  She does not dress according to her age, wears what she likes the most, (she doesn’t usually show much skin) and to me looks (and is) amazing!

Society is much more accepting these days about differences, sometimes to a fault, but in so many ways it is refreshing and easier than it used to be.  Who we hang around with also dictates to some degree how we think we should be and we tend to shrink back and try and fit in.  Of course we do need to fit in to some degree because it is natural for people to accept those who are like them.

How we behave, dress, live is dictated by our values.  At the same time if you are the type of person who shrinks back because you don’t want to make waves or are scared to be unliked and so hide true parts of yourself and don’t feel very fulfilled, stepping out and being yourself more may be a growth spurt opportunity.

There are so many ways where we may feel “less than” and are constantly trying to fit in… it could be by spending money we don’t have – to look better, drive better cars, have perfect homes – or it could be in the way we behave – laughing at people’s jokes when we don’t think they are funny or gossiping along with them because we want to be accepted into their circle.

We don’t show up for ourselves because we believe we are inferior or not good enough or unworthy.

When you want to do something that brings out some of your essence there’s a certain amount of excitement and satisfaction that fills you.

Are there some ways that you hold yourself back from expressing yourself?  What are they?

Do you find that you try and fit in by compromising yourself?

Learn to love yourself as you are and express yourself in a way that brings out who you are to the world.

With love
Eve

Sparking the Light

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light child“You often feel tired not because you’ve done too much but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you”.
 
Clients have mentioned to me how they wanted to accomplish things last year and before they knew it the year was over and they were in the same place as where they had started. This was disappointing and frustrating for them.
 
So on Thursday next week (24th Jan 2019) I will be running a 1 and a quarter hour workshop entitled “Do you want 2019 to be different?” to help you make this year worthwhile.
 
I have found that when we don’t do what we love or what moves us, what sparks that light within us, then we feel tired, sad, restless, irritable and we turn to numbing those feelings of “lack” or emptiness by procrastinating, wasting precious time or feeding our unwanted habits.
 
The thing is that most people don’t even know what it is they want and without knowing what it is you want, how can you accomplish anything?
 
I remember when I was 30, I attended a workshop to find my purpose in life. The trainer warned us that it can be harder to know what our purpose is if we don’t ever follow up on it, if we leave it by the wayside and ignore the callings of our soul. Very dramatic I know. But he had a point. When I let time pass me by I don’t feel as good. When I spend time on nonsense, I find myself wishing I hadn’t. I look at my children getting bigger and I look at myself getting older and I know that I can’t get back the time that I have lost. Does that ever happen to you?
 
There are so many ways to live a fulfilling life, there are things you love to do but never do them. There are things you have to do but don’t.
 
If you would like to be more focused on where you are going this year, join me for this short workshop to set some meaningful goals for the coming year. Alternatively book a session to work with me privately or online.
 
(If you are interested in a six week intensive workshop called “The Power of Purpose” please let me know so I can set it in motion – there’s no time like NOW to get your life on track).  – South Africa only.
 
The light in you is calling you. What is it saying?
 
With love
Eve

Specificity

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specificWelcome to 2019!  I hope you had a good rest during the festive season.

Most people make new years resolutions and here’s a couple of tips to make them actually work…..

BE VERY SPECIFIC

Don’t just say “I want to write more this year” – rather say “I want to write one blog a week”.  That’s what I mean by being specific.  Instead of “I am going to exercise more this year”, be specific and say “I am going to walk with a partner 3 times a week”.  Name the partner if you know who it is.

WRITE THEM DOWN

Keeping the resolutions in your head will result in them staying there.  You will soon forget about them.  Write them down and keep them in a prominent place so that you can keep looking at them.

THINK BIG

Don’t sell yourself short by thinking that you might not be able to do it.  Rather believe that you can.  If you achieve even 70% of your goal you have still succeeded.

BE REALISTIC

At the same time be realistic.  If you say, I am going to run the Comrades this year but you don’t even run bath water then rather choose something more realistic by starting off with something you CAN manage.  Maybe next year you WILL be able to run the Comrades if you start training now.

Book an online session with me to work through your goals privately. Are you going to let another year pass you by?

I wish you an amazing year filled with everything you wish for yourself.   Don’t just wish it, do it!

With love
Eve

Reopening the Door

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funny life door

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we had hoped but it doesn’t mean we can’t still have a life worth living. There are ways to fix things that seem broken.

Let’s take relationships for example. All relationships require that we spend time making them happen. People who live together can be like ships in the night, you see each other in the passage, say good morning and goodnight, maybe even sit together watching tv but you don’t actually spend quality time together.

NOTICING

The first thing to save a situation like this is to NOTICE that it is happening. Once you are aware of the situation you can take steps to make things better.

END IN MIND

Next, decide about how you would like your relationship to be and then work towards that vision.

ACTION

Take steps to make it happen. Some examples: Take time to hear about each other’s day. Help with the dishes or make a meal together once a week. Buy your partner a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s a gesture to show your partner that you thought about them). Give your partner sincere compliments.

RECOGNITION

Recognise all the good they do and acknowledge them for it. Everyone wants to be appreciated for the effort they put in.

PLAY

Have fun together. Do things that you both like doing. Go on dates. Play a song and dance together. Bath the dogs together. Squirt water at each other (keep in mind you must both like water to some extent). Make each other laugh.

FORGIVENESS

Neither of you are going to get it right a lot of the time. Forgive each other for being human and pick it up from where you left off. If there is something huge to forgive then perhaps see someone who can help you do that.

NOTICE

And we are back to the NOTICING again. Notice your partner. Notice when they are sad and let them talk to you or just be there for them. Notice when they are happy and enjoy it and be happy with them. Notice when they need help to hold the ladder. Notice when they can’t open the lid of the bottle.

Relationships are a gift (sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). They are a gift to help us grow, to have connection, to share your life with another person. It’s not something to just let happen. You need to be an active member.

With love

Eve

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