Moving Past Guilt

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guilty.jpgA few things about guilt and how to change it.

Guilt is often caused by something we think we did or didn’t do.  We think we should have acted differently in the scenario.

An example would be that you said something to someone and they felt hurt by what you said.  You feel guilty about it and stew in your guilt, often avoiding the person or feeling awkward in their presence.  Maybe both of you will treat each other differently now.  What can you do about it?

Feeling guilty is an emotion that may be calling you to do something.  You may have gone against your own value system and you have an opportunity to rectify things. Can you make amends?  Can you apologise?  The way to deal with guilt is to give yourself some time to feel guilty about the particular situation …. say 15 minutes.  Then forgive yourself and make amends or choose do things differently next time.

If we hold onto guilt we may start punishing ourselves without realising it.  We can even become ashamed which means we start to point fingers at ourselves (as a person instead of just the action that was done).  We berate ourselves and put ourselves down.

Did you do as much wrong as you think you did?  Was there something more you could have done if the situation had been different?  Maybe you are being very hard on yourself, harder than you think.

1) Forgive yourself

2) Realise you are human

3) If there is something you can do to make amends, do it.

4) If you think there is nothing you can do to make amends you may be mistaken because even if the person is no longer around, you can do a good deed in their name.

5) Remember all the things you do right.

6) Talk to someone who can help if you are not managing to sort through this.

Being the best version of yourself takes a lifetime, don’t expect perfection.  Doing your best to grow is how you will get there.

With love
Eve

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Tiniest Thing

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Perfectionism - van goghAre you holding back?

Do you find yourself not doing something that you would like to do?

If you ask yourself why you consistently aren’t doing it, you will probably find that you are scared of something.

Perhaps it’s failure.  Maybe you are scared of people judging you.  Maybe you think you are incapable.  Maybe you think it’s just a dream and dreams never come true.  Perhaps you think you don’t know enough.

Basically, the only way to do what you want to do is to do it.

So start.  One tiny thing.  All it takes is 5 seconds or 5 minutes.

All those things you are scared of are only your own mind’s way of tripping you up.  If you have to analyse your thoughts you will see that none of the reasons for holding back are worth much.

What one tiny thing can you do to start what you have been putting off?

Tiny.

With love
Eve

Reopening the Door

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funny life door

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we had hoped but it doesn’t mean we can’t still have a life worth living. There are ways to fix things that seem broken.

Let’s take relationships for example. All relationships require that we spend time making them happen. People who live together can be like ships in the night, you see each other in the passage, say good morning and goodnight, maybe even sit together watching tv but you don’t actually spend quality time together.

NOTICING

The first thing to save a situation like this is to NOTICE that it is happening. Once you are aware of the situation you can take steps to make things better.

END IN MIND

Next, decide about how you would like your relationship to be and then work towards that vision.

ACTION

Take steps to make it happen. Some examples: Take time to hear about each other’s day. Help with the dishes or make a meal together once a week. Buy your partner a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s a gesture to show your partner that you thought about them). Give your partner sincere compliments.

RECOGNITION

Recognise all the good they do and acknowledge them for it. Everyone wants to be appreciated for the effort they put in.

PLAY

Have fun together. Do things that you both like doing. Go on dates. Play a song and dance together. Bath the dogs together. Squirt water at each other (keep in mind you must both like water to some extent). Make each other laugh.

FORGIVENESS

Neither of you are going to get it right a lot of the time. Forgive each other for being human and pick it up from where you left off. If there is something huge to forgive then perhaps see someone who can help you do that.

NOTICE

And we are back to the NOTICING again. Notice your partner. Notice when they are sad and let them talk to you or just be there for them. Notice when they are happy and enjoy it and be happy with them. Notice when they need help to hold the ladder. Notice when they can’t open the lid of the bottle.

Relationships are a gift (sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). They are a gift to help us grow, to have connection, to share your life with another person. It’s not something to just let happen. You need to be an active member.

With love

Eve

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15 Minutes

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Relationships can be enjoyable, horrible, stressful, amazing, connecting, separating, draining, life giving.

One of the best eye openers to what goes on in a relationship (any relationship) is when there is a power outage.  Suddenly, there’s no internet, no WhatsApp, no food to cook, no TV.  There’s only candles and LED lights and each other.

To make a relationship work requires that both (but it can start with just one of the couple) makes an effort to connect.  The phones and all other technology can so easily get in the way of that.

Here are a few ways to make a change:

PHONE DOWN
Put your phone down when you see a family member coming towards you or when you hear them walking down the passage.  It makes them feel wanted and noticed.  Give your loved ones a proper greeting when they come home, a hug and a kiss goes a long way to someone feeling loved and appreciated.

FAMILY TIME
Make dinner time a no-phone zone.  Even though it’s difficult to get this to happen it reaps benefits.  There are so many studies which state the benefits of sitting down together as a family to eat dinner.  Maybe that’s your only time together every day so put the phones away.

SOCIAL MEDIA DIET
Facebook, instagram, Youtube are not going to bring you closer to the people you love.  Make time to cook together, declutter together, go out for ice cream or walk the dogs.  That’s what will build real relationships.

15 MINUTES
Studies have shown that in marriages that thrive well, a couple spends an uninterrupted 15 minutes together every day.  15 minutes.

FORGIVENESS
This is all very good and well, however, life happens and it doesn’t always go so easily.  So forgive yourself when you make a mistake but make it better next time.  Forgive your partner for not getting it right too.

Relationships are so necessary to our lives (any type of relationship) yet we often don’t put enough into them.  Decide what is important to you and work towards it.

That’s all.

With love
Eve

What the World Needs

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I really think that if people just stopped and realised that:

  • We are all the same on the inside….
  • We all have needs, problems, sadness, joy,
  • We want to live in peace, have a roof over our heads and food on the table,
  • We want the best for our children,
  • We want to be healthy and well,
  • We want people around us to love, and to love us.

…… We would be less angry, less resentful, less pained.  We would see others and ourselves with eyes of compassion and be kind to them.  We would look after the environment more for the next person and the next generation.  People would think twice about being bad to each other and would choose to be good.  Because at the end of the day, we are all the same.

group hugSo be kind to the next person, let it spread into the world because what this world needs right now is a group hug.

With love
Eve

 

 

Becoming Satisfied

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helpful kids 3One of my most well read blogs was the one called “The Trick to Changing Someone”.  People are often dissatisfield with the people they are with or with what they are doing and are hoping that there is a magic formula to change them.

How can we become more satisfied with the people we are with? 

  • Think about the person that you would like to change.
  • Think of what bugs you about them.
  • Do you feel better now?

I doubt it.

Let’s try again.

  • Think about the person that you would like to change.
  • Think of what you like or love about them (there has to be something…. it could be their left eyebrow).
  • Think of what they do for you.  It’s best to write this down for when you need it again.

This last one is tricky.  Often we are so blinded by how irritated we are with the person that we don’t realise what they do for us.  It could be something small and hardly noticeable for example when there is an office party your colleague always brings you a piece of cake; maybe your partner always takes the spoon out of your coffee cup because he/she knows you don’t like to stab yourself in the eye; maybe you hardly notice that your spouse warms up the baby’s food for you without you asking; maybe your teen fills your hot water bottle for you when you ask him; maybe your Housekeeper prepared the veggies for supper because she knew you would be home late.  I could put a hundred examples here of tiny things people do for us that we usually take for granted.

Yes….  they also take you for granted and if you focus on that then you are not going to improve your relationship.  You could talk to them about that but in the meantime if you have a list of what they do for you and why you like or love them you will be able to have a positive outlook and more loving feeling towards them when you are in their space and this gives you the motivation to work on the relationship.

Why does it have to be me who always makes the changes you may ask?  Relationships weren’t designed to be flawless, perfect things.  They can help us grow into strong, loving, kind human beings or bitter and twisted people who hate.

People (secretly or not secretly) need to be recognised for what they do and if we ignore what they do for us neither of us benefit.  Let’s take notice of what people do for us (no matter how small) and remember to thank them for it.  When you recognise and appreciate someone they are likely to do more.

Thank you for reading my blog, it makes it worth writing.

Wishing you the best

Eve

Heroes Among Us

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heroesI read an article today about how the Israeli army rescued 422 White Helmet rescue workers in Syria and transported them to Jordan where they will then be absorbed into the U.K., Germany and Canada.  The White Helmet rescue workers have been working in Syria to help rescue people trapped under rubble and caught in the fighting in that war torn country.  These are volunteers.

I watched a video about an orphan chimpanzee who had been abused when she was younger and was then rescued by a Chimpanzee rescue organisation. At the time of her death at age 49, while on her way to being buried, the other orphaned chimps in the rescue centre stood quietly by and put their arms around each other.  That is just a side note.  The fact is there are many places in the world that give their time and efforts to rescuing vulnerable animals.

I watched a video about a man who found an emaciated and diseased dog and started feeding it and looking after it and since then feeds and finds home for many abandoned dogs.  He has so far saved 1000 dogs.  This man does this on his own.

My daughter was feeling sick on her way to university and stopped on the side of the road, dropping her wallet out of her car today.  When she went back some time later to see if she could find her wallet there, a man who had found it was trying to track her down to return her wallet to her.

There’s a place in South Africa somewhere that rescues bats.  Bats!

A few months ago I had a small car accident and a random woman stopped to make sure I was okay and didn’t leave until I had been sorted out.

I watched a video where people are taking plastic which is choking our marine life and using it to build fishing boats, houses, bicycles, wheelchairs and more.

There are many many stories like these.  Every day somewhere in the world, maybe in your own neighbourhood there are hidden heroes who do good.  We tend to read or watch all the bad news emanated to us from around the globe which diminishes all the good that the everyday heroes are doing.  These heroes are almost invisible.  Let’s look for these stories and show up these heroes so that we can bring more hope into a world that sometimes seems dark.

Let’s also become these heroes.

With love
Eve