Standing here, reflecting about my year, worrying, was I good enough? Did I do enough? Was I kind? Was I gentle? Did I reach my expectations of myself? Did I fail? Thinking about the times I messed up.
Where to from here?
It’s important to also look at where I did go right. Where I was kind, where I was gentle, where I helped out, where I reached a goal, where I looked after myself or others, where I gave, where I brought a smile to someone’s face, where I went out of my way.
It helps with self forgiveness and being real about who I am as a human.
Now to grow.
“The Difference between pretty and beautiful is that pretty is temporal whereas beautiful is eternal” – from the book Sefirot by Rabbi Y Haber.
The world is so obsessed with physical beauty that it becomes a lifelong struggle for many people to meet those expectations. Magazines, movies, the Internet and books espouse a certain standard of physical beauty and if you don’t meet that standard there is something sub-standard about you. This is so wrong.
Aging is also an adjustment because our looks deteriorate out of our control which can be especially hard for people who have natural physical beauty unless they learn to love themselves with the stuff that comes with aging.
We all have our different genes and everybody was created uniquely. To be happy within ourselves we need to appreciate and approve of ourselves (and others).
We are all beautiful and the more we do to make the world a better place the more our beauty shines out. If you spend time with someone even for a short period of time you can notice their beauty so brightly that you can be filled with love or joy just looking into their eyes.
Let’s worry less about being pretty and more about being ourselves, bringing out our essence into the world and touching others with that.
Here’s hoping you will experience the beauty in yourself and others this week.
One of my most well read blogs was the one called “The Trick to Changing Someone”. People are often dissatisfield with the people they are with or with what they are doing and are hoping that there is a magic formula to change them.
How can we become more satisfied with the people we are with?
- Think about the person that you would like to change.
- Think of what bugs you about them.
- Do you feel better now?
I doubt it.
Let’s try again.
- Think about the person that you would like to change.
- Think of what you like or love about them (there has to be something…. it could be their left eyebrow).
- Think of what they do for you. It’s best to write this down for when you need it again.
This last one is tricky. Often we are so blinded by how irritated we are with the person that we don’t realise what they do for us. It could be something small and hardly noticeable for example when there is an office party your colleague always brings you a piece of cake; maybe your partner always takes the spoon out of your coffee cup because he/she knows you don’t like to stab yourself in the eye; maybe you hardly notice that your spouse warms up the baby’s food for you without you asking; maybe your teen fills your hot water bottle for you when you ask him; maybe your Housekeeper prepared the veggies for supper because she knew you would be home late. I could put a hundred examples here of tiny things people do for us that we usually take for granted.
Yes…. they also take you for granted and if you focus on that then you are not going to improve your relationship. You could talk to them about that but in the meantime if you have a list of what they do for you and why you like or love them you will be able to have a positive outlook and more loving feeling towards them when you are in their space and this gives you the motivation to work on the relationship.
Why does it have to be me who always makes the changes you may ask? Relationships weren’t designed to be flawless, perfect things. They can help us grow into strong, loving, kind human beings or bitter and twisted people who hate.
People (secretly or not secretly) need to be recognised for what they do and if we ignore what they do for us neither of us benefit. Let’s take notice of what people do for us (no matter how small) and remember to thank them for it. When you recognise and appreciate someone they are likely to do more.
Thank you for reading my blog, it makes it worth writing.
Wishing you the best
I read an article today about how the Israeli army rescued 422 White Helmet rescue workers in Syria and transported them to Jordan where they will then be absorbed into the U.K., Germany and Canada. The White Helmet rescue workers have been working in Syria to help rescue people trapped under rubble and caught in the fighting in that war torn country. These are volunteers.
I watched a video about an orphan chimpanzee who had been abused when she was younger and was then rescued by a Chimpanzee rescue organisation. At the time of her death at age 49, while on her way to being buried, the other orphaned chimps in the rescue centre stood quietly by and put their arms around each other. That is just a side note. The fact is there are many places in the world that give their time and efforts to rescuing vulnerable animals.
I watched a video about a man who found an emaciated and diseased dog and started feeding it and looking after it and since then feeds and finds home for many abandoned dogs. He has so far saved 1000 dogs. This man does this on his own.
My daughter was feeling sick on her way to university and stopped on the side of the road, dropping her wallet out of her car today. When she went back some time later to see if she could find her wallet there, a man who had found it was trying to track her down to return her wallet to her.
There’s a place in South Africa somewhere that rescues bats. Bats!
A few months ago I had a small car accident and a random woman stopped to make sure I was okay and didn’t leave until I had been sorted out.
I watched a video where people are taking plastic which is choking our marine life and using it to build fishing boats, houses, bicycles, wheelchairs and more.
There are many many stories like these. Every day somewhere in the world, maybe in your own neighbourhood there are hidden heroes who do good. We tend to read or watch all the bad news emanated to us from around the globe which diminishes all the good that the everyday heroes are doing. These heroes are almost invisible. Let’s look for these stories and show up these heroes so that we can bring more hope into a world that sometimes seems dark.
Let’s also become these heroes.
So-and-so is important to you and is a really nice person, has lots of good traits but is sometimes a pain in the neck and doesn’t do what you wish they would. You may be tempted to change them only to find that even if they did make some changes, those changes don’t last very long.
The trick to changing someone is….. drumroll …………….
Lori Palatnik (author and speaker) says that children are born with their main personalities in place. If that is true then how much more so for adults who have been living for quite a long time – i.e. they are set in their ways.
When we want someone to change we have to do to them what we want them to do for us. If you want someone to pay attention to you, you need to pay attention to them first. If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them first. It may sound annoying to even think that this is the case but it works.
Just try it for two weeks and see the results. Every person in a relationship is a separate entity. Each person comes from their own perspective and believes that they are the wronged or suffering one. If you want change it has to come from you. Then change happens.
Talking doesn’t always work. Action works better.
Eve Marks is a Fulfillment Coach and Artist.
Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.”
Apparently there are have been scientific studies which prove that the brain registers as physical pain when a person is being ignored. I have read a couple of articles on it but I don’t have the scientific sources. If it is true though, why do we feel so much pain at being ignored and what can we do about it?
Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but the silence is really saying a lot. It’s also a way to inflict pain without fighting. It’s a type of passive aggressive behaviour.
When someone ignores you how do you feel? Angry? Hurt? Irritated? Sad?
When we are ignored we start to think all sorts of things about ourselves such as:
- They don’t like me
- I’m unloveable
- People always ignore me
- I am invisible
- Fill your own in here ………………
These type of thoughts and beliefs we have create the pain we feel.
What can we do?
Ask yourself questions. For example:
- Is it true that I am invisible? (No it’s not because if you turn to someone and ask them they will verify that you are visible to them).
- Is it true that they don’t like me? (Well unless you ask them you will never really know).
- Do I need to care that they don’t like me? (Well do you?)
- Can I be myself no matter what? (It may be hard but chances are you can give yourself the permission to be yourself).
- If someone ignores me am I unloveable? (No.)
Affirm yourself with words of love:
- I am a loveable, visible human being.
- My worth is not measured by these particular people.
- There are people who take notice of what I say.
The bottom line is that yes, being ignored is hurtful but it doesn’t mean you are not a beautiful, worthy human being. You just need to remind yourself of that and try not to let others affect your beliefs about yourself and the world. Keep in mind that we inflict this kind of pain on others too and it is good to be aware of our own behaviour and to rectify it in some way.
Was this article helpful to you?
If you wish to book a consultation to deal with this type of problem in a more in depth and personal way please feel free to contact me by clicking here.
3 weeks ago I was happily walking the dogs when I stepped into a hole and twisted my ankle. I tore a ligament and have since been on crutches and in a moon boot. Firstly I want to praise the inventor of the moon boot because it allowed me to be reasonably mobile at home.
Last week I was finally able to go shopping. First I went to Moishes butchery (while my hubby who had dropped me there went to buy dogfood) and I was standing in the queue when I saw that the teller looked at my foot and was frowning. When I got to her till she said to me that I shouldn’t have waited in the queue, next time I should just come to the front of the queue. She then called the security officer to take my packets to the car for me which he duly did.
My hubby then dropped me at Woolies in Norwood and I was quite sure I would manage on my own and would catch an Uber back home. While looking at the fresh produce a tall, gentle looking staff member named Bafana offered to push my trolley for me while I shopped. I was so taken aback and felt very grateful for his offer but decided to do it myself as I knew that I would probably take quite long and didn’t want to use up his time. It was actually quite challenging as I had to push the trolley with my tummy and it’s quite awkward reaching for items and then putting them in the trolley while walking with both crutches. Bafana came to check on me halfway through my shopping and told me he really wanted to help me and suggested that I ask him next time. My hubby fetched me as he had already finished all he had to do while I was in Woolies! I told you I would take long.
Even though I could have relied on those people and it probably would have been wiser to do so, I was tired yet elated when I got home. I was so amazed by the kindness of these strangers. They had genuine care in their eyes. It did not seem to be just a matter of being a good employee, they sincerely wanted to be of help.
I had to take a backseat these three weeks and let other people do things for me which is harder than you would think. Sitting back and letting others do the work is not my default setting. I would like to thank my family for making me feel comfortable and allowing me the time I needed to heal. I have written to the shops to praise their staff members and hope that they get recognised in some way.
The kindness of strangers happens more than we think. Let’s spread stories of kindness as much as possible. I think we all need a little bit of sun.
Wishing you well