Please take a compliment

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complimenet-paper.pngI am fortunate that I can easily see someone’s beauty (inside and out) and I love to light people up so telling them what I see or feel about them is something I enjoy doing.  

When giving a compliment, be honest and sincere so that it comes across well. 

Many people find it hard to receive a compliment because they don’t believe good things about themselves.  

Receiving a compliment is just as important as giving one.  You are allowing the other person to see the good in you, you are allowing someone else to give.  If you negate the compliment you are in essence telling them you don’t like their gift.

Start by practicing to just say thank you.  Even if you don’t believe them at first saying thank you without making up some story about why the compliment couldn’t be true will help you to receive this gift with grace.

What happens if what they are saying is true?  Isn’t that nice?  Allow yourself to be built up.  People love you.

warm regards

Eve Marks

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How do you spell love?

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love child and dogHow do you spell love?  – Piglet
You don’t spell it, you feel it. – Pooh

I have noticed that it’s easy to forget to love when we are busy and taken over by life’s happenings.

We forget because we lose our presence.  I see it in myself…. when I have a lot to do someone (like my husband or child) can talk to me but I’m not fully there, I’m only half there and I’m not paying full attention.  The thing is when I do pay full attention the whole scenario turns out differently.  When I’m half there I’m also dismissive, trying to get the things done that seem so important (and sometimes they are) but it disconnects me from the other person, they feel my lack of attention, my hurry or my lack of interest in their story.

When you slow down slightly, breathe deeply a couple times and connect properly with the other person by putting everything down, hearing what they have to say, looking them in the eyes and sometimes adding some acknowledging touch, not only do they feel loved but you will feel love for them.  Communicating is an all senses experience.

Of course you will be unavailable sometimes but you can choose to set a time to connect with them a bit later.

When people feel loved by you, you will see it in their eyes or their demeanor and you will automatically feel love towards them.

There is something extraordinary about being present, about really being there,  bringing love into being….. don’t you think?

Eve Marks

Your inner strength is rubbing off

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I see youCompassionate people ask for what they need.  They say no when they need to and when the say yes, they mean it.  They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment  – Brene Brown

 I volunteered to be on the team for the More to Life Weekend.  I can’t emphasise enough how life changing that weekend workshop can be.  It was amazing to be a part of it.  Not only did the participants grow exponentially and have huge transformation in their lives – walking in at the beginning of the weekend heads down, shoulders slouched, faces stretched taut – walking out at the end eyes shining, bodies standing tall, faces emanating joy….. but those on team also grew in leaps and bounds.  It was a privilege to behold.

Each person on team works on something in their own lives where they are wanting to grow and I chose boundaries because that is an area of challenge in my life.

The more to life community is unique in that it encourages each person to stick to their growth edge (mine being boundaries) so if I choose to say no to something, I am encouraged by them.  

Brene Brown describes boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok”.  Since the weekend there have been many moments where I have been challenged by life to stick to my boundaries.  Since being back at home I am a much more peaceful, loving and accepting individual where little issues were just that …. little.  Instead of getting upset I used my new found growth to discuss them in a loving, firm, connecting way to inspire the kind of behaviour I want towards me and others. 

This last Friday night instead of quietly complimenting my family in whispers, I said out loud (just this once) what I loved about each person.  Then they in turn responded with what they have noticed or love about me.  One of my children looked at me and said “Mom what I have noticed about you this week is that you have an inner strength and it is rubbing off on all of us”.  Tears to my eyes.

When we let people get away with behaviours that are not okay we can become resentful and hateful.  I am choosing not to allow that to happen anymore.  I want to be peaceful, loving and connecting and I am important enough not to accept certain things that are not okay for me.  Boundaries are not walls or rifts they are respect.  

There may be brief sweating when setting boundaries because doing so could bring on other people’s disappointments and could make them angry.  Once they understand that this is not a once-off, things will change.  I used to think that setting boundaries was too strict and I should be doing things for everybody (or else maybe they won’t like me or our relationship will end).  What I have realised though is that setting boundaries is kind.  Not just to me but to them.  Lying about your true feelings and then holding resentment is not loving and caring and doesn’t keep relationships healthy.

I am deeply grateful for having experienced the More to Life weekend once again and I encourage you to look out for it next time (November).

Sending you much love, my precious reader.

Eve

If only I had done it differently

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Let go that things could have been differentEvery now and then I get upset with myself for not doing something I should have or for doing something I shouldn’t have.  For me it’s often about how I’ve been as a parent.  I feel guilt and regret and think, if only I had done it differently.

Think about the person or situation that applies to you in this case.

Is it a given that things would have turned out well if you had done things in another way?

Well maybe you could have done things differently (there’s always scope for growth) and there is a possibility that the situation could have turned out better but how do you know that things would have turned out the way you think they should have?

Maybe not much would have changed or maybe the scenario would have gone in a completely different direction (good or bad).  Maybe you worry a lot about things you can’t control.  After all you can’t change what has already happened.  At the most you can apologise and make amends and work at changing the way you behave now.

We have expectations about how life should be but life doesn’t happen in neat little packages.  It happens the way it happens and we often have very little control of the outcome.

Instead of holding on to guilt of the past, rather spend your energy being the best you can be now.  Beating yourself up is going to do nothing except give you bruises.

With love
Eve

If You Were Them

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What is your partner doing to you that is bugging you or where do you feel a lack?***

Love PenguinsThere are two opinions in every relationship.  Whatever negative feelings you are having towards the other person, they are having some negative feelings towards you too.

According to a video I watched with Tony Robbins there are 6 basic human needs in relationships:

  1. Certainty – That we feel comfortable and secure in our relationship.
  2. Uncertainty – Variety and challenges to exercise our physical range.
  3. Significance – Every person needs to feel wanted, needed, important and worthy of love.
  4. Connection/Love – Everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for love.
  5. Growth – When we stop growing we die.  We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
  6. Contribution – To go beyond our own needs and give to others.

Each person has two main needs from the above list (from numbers 1 – 4) that they need to thrive in a relationship.

When our needs are not being met we may have weapons that we use against the other person for example: hurtful words, sarcasm, shutting them out etc.

To put our weapons down we need to feel that our needs are being met.  At the same time, our partner’s needs are not being met by us because if we are feeling resentful, you can be sure you are holding back some love or whatever they need the most.

One of the things we need to do is to look at it from the other person’s point of view:  What am I doing in this relationship?  Is this person feeling secure, significant, loved, are we growing together, what am I contributing?

Yes obviously you need to have your needs met as well and that is something that can be discussed between the two of you but at the same time you are doing things that are not creating beauty in your relationship.  So ask yourself “What would my partner be saying about me?  What does he/she feel that I am doing or not doing?”

And then do it. 

We need to commit ourselves to our partner in order to create the relationship that we want or crave.  It does work better if you are both working towards it in the same way but if not then whatever efforts you put in, your partner will notice them and changes should happen.  It’s not enough to say I love you on the day you get married and then only say it at birthdays.  Relationships require constant commitment for both partners to feel that their basic human needs are being met.

This is just one aspect of building your relationship into something wonderful and it is a really GOOD start.

Wishing you love, connection and joy.

Eve

*** This can be applied to ANY relationship that you wish to improve.

The Role of a Healer

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healer


I think that the word Healer is a misunderstood word.

A Healer cannot take an illness and blow it out of the water for it to disappear forever.  A Healer can’t perform miracles.  However, miracles CAN occur.

For healing to take place in a person the work required needs a holistic approach, i.e. physical, emotional and spiritual.  Illness is not always physical and even if it is, a person is not one dimensional so all aspects of a person require healing.

A good healer (be it a psychologist, natural healer, life coach, homeopath, doctor etc.) will work with you to facilitate your own healing.  Healing on all levels requires self work.  You can’t just walk into the room, open your arms and say “heal me”.  It doesn’t work that way.  For healing to take place you need to do the inner work.  

You may be called to work deeply with your emotions, to release anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, loss from your past.  You may cry, feel a lot of pain, be surprised by what you are holding onto.  But afterwards you may feel relief, a release or lightness – and with that release comes healing. 

Depending on how deep the wounds are, will depend on how much work needs to be done.  We carry a lifetime of life experiences within our body and mind which are of course connected as has been seen in research.

If a person has a difficult illness or chronic condition (G-d forbid), there may be no way of becoming completely healthy again, however, with self work they may become more whole, more calm, more able to deal with what they are going through and enjoy their life.  This in itself can alleviate some of the symptoms such as pain. Illness can overtake one’s life because everything else shrinks by comparison.  So it’s imperative to include emotional work in the treatment.

Everyone needs healing of some kind.  So even if you just write in your journal and make new choices about how you want to be, that is a form of healing which you can start right away.

I wish you well.

With love
Eve

Moving Past Guilt

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guilty.jpgA few things about guilt and how to change it.

Guilt is often caused by something we think we did or didn’t do.  We think we should have acted differently in the scenario.

An example would be that you said something to someone and they felt hurt by what you said.  You feel guilty about it and stew in your guilt, often avoiding the person or feeling awkward in their presence.  Maybe both of you will treat each other differently now.  What can you do about it?

Feeling guilty is an emotion that may be calling you to do something.  You may have gone against your own value system and you have an opportunity to rectify things. Can you make amends?  Can you apologise?  The way to deal with guilt is to give yourself some time to feel guilty about the particular situation …. say 15 minutes.  Then forgive yourself and make amends or choose do things differently next time.

If we hold onto guilt we may start punishing ourselves without realising it.  We can even become ashamed which means we start to point fingers at ourselves (as a person instead of just the action that was done).  We berate ourselves and put ourselves down.

Did you do as much wrong as you think you did?  Was there something more you could have done if the situation had been different?  Maybe you are being very hard on yourself, harder than you think.

1) Forgive yourself

2) Realise you are human

3) If there is something you can do to make amends, do it.

4) If you think there is nothing you can do to make amends you may be mistaken because even if the person is no longer around, you can do a good deed in their name.

5) Remember all the things you do right.

6) Talk to someone who can help if you are not managing to sort through this.

Being the best version of yourself takes a lifetime, don’t expect perfection.  Doing your best to grow is how you will get there.

With love
Eve