If You Were Them

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What is your partner doing to you that is bugging you or where do you feel a lack?***

Love PenguinsThere are two opinions in every relationship.  Whatever negative feelings you are having towards the other person, they are having some negative feelings towards you too.

According to a video I watched with Tony Robbins there are 6 basic human needs in relationships:

  1. Certainty – That we feel comfortable and secure in our relationship.
  2. Uncertainty – Variety and challenges to exercise our physical range.
  3. Significance – Every person needs to feel wanted, needed, important and worthy of love.
  4. Connection/Love – Everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for love.
  5. Growth – When we stop growing we die.  We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
  6. Contribution – To go beyond our own needs and give to others.

Each person has two main needs from the above list (from numbers 1 – 4) that they need to thrive in a relationship.

When our needs are not being met we may have weapons that we use against the other person for example: hurtful words, sarcasm, shutting them out etc.

To put our weapons down we need to feel that our needs are being met.  At the same time, our partner’s needs are not being met by us because if we are feeling resentful, you can be sure you are holding back some love or whatever they need the most.

One of the things we need to do is to look at it from the other person’s point of view:  What am I doing in this relationship?  Is this person feeling secure, significant, loved, are we growing together, what am I contributing?

Yes obviously you need to have your needs met as well and that is something that can be discussed between the two of you but at the same time you are doing things that are not creating beauty in your relationship.  So ask yourself “What would my partner be saying about me?  What does he/she feel that I am doing or not doing?”

And then do it. 

We need to commit ourselves to our partner in order to create the relationship that we want or crave.  It does work better if you are both working towards it in the same way but if not then whatever efforts you put in, your partner will notice them and changes should happen.  It’s not enough to say I love you on the day you get married and then only say it at birthdays.  Relationships require constant commitment for both partners to feel that their basic human needs are being met.

This is just one aspect of building your relationship into something wonderful and it is a really GOOD start.

Wishing you love, connection and joy.

Eve

*** This can be applied to ANY relationship that you wish to improve.

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The Role of a Healer

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healer


I think that the word Healer is a misunderstood word.

A Healer cannot take an illness and blow it out of the water for it to disappear forever.  A Healer can’t perform miracles.  However, miracles CAN occur.

For healing to take place in a person the work required needs a holistic approach, i.e. physical, emotional and spiritual.  Illness is not always physical and even if it is, a person is not one dimensional so all aspects of a person require healing.

A good healer (be it a psychologist, natural healer, life coach, homeopath, doctor etc.) will work with you to facilitate your own healing.  Healing on all levels requires self work.  You can’t just walk into the room, open your arms and say “heal me”.  It doesn’t work that way.  For healing to take place you need to do the inner work.  

You may be called to work deeply with your emotions, to release anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, loss from your past.  You may cry, feel a lot of pain, be surprised by what you are holding onto.  But afterwards you may feel relief, a release or lightness – and with that release comes healing. 

Depending on how deep the wounds are, will depend on how much work needs to be done.  We carry a lifetime of life experiences within our body and mind which are of course connected as has been seen in research.

If a person has a difficult illness or chronic condition (G-d forbid), there may be no way of becoming completely healthy again, however, with self work they may become more whole, more calm, more able to deal with what they are going through and enjoy their life.  This in itself can alleviate some of the symptoms such as pain. Illness can overtake one’s life because everything else shrinks by comparison.  So it’s imperative to include emotional work in the treatment.

Everyone needs healing of some kind.  So even if you just write in your journal and make new choices about how you want to be, that is a form of healing which you can start right away.

I wish you well.

With love
Eve

Moving Past Guilt

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guilty.jpgA few things about guilt and how to change it.

Guilt is often caused by something we think we did or didn’t do.  We think we should have acted differently in the scenario.

An example would be that you said something to someone and they felt hurt by what you said.  You feel guilty about it and stew in your guilt, often avoiding the person or feeling awkward in their presence.  Maybe both of you will treat each other differently now.  What can you do about it?

Feeling guilty is an emotion that may be calling you to do something.  You may have gone against your own value system and you have an opportunity to rectify things. Can you make amends?  Can you apologise?  The way to deal with guilt is to give yourself some time to feel guilty about the particular situation …. say 15 minutes.  Then forgive yourself and make amends or choose do things differently next time.

If we hold onto guilt we may start punishing ourselves without realising it.  We can even become ashamed which means we start to point fingers at ourselves (as a person instead of just the action that was done).  We berate ourselves and put ourselves down.

Did you do as much wrong as you think you did?  Was there something more you could have done if the situation had been different?  Maybe you are being very hard on yourself, harder than you think.

1) Forgive yourself

2) Realise you are human

3) If there is something you can do to make amends, do it.

4) If you think there is nothing you can do to make amends you may be mistaken because even if the person is no longer around, you can do a good deed in their name.

5) Remember all the things you do right.

6) Talk to someone who can help if you are not managing to sort through this.

Being the best version of yourself takes a lifetime, don’t expect perfection.  Doing your best to grow is how you will get there.

With love
Eve

Society: Be Yourself. Society: No not like that

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accidental iconLyn Slater (pictured here) is a 64 year old Professor who became an accidental fashion icon.  She was at Fashion Week with her friend and suddenly the photographers and journalists were standing around her, taking her photo and speaking to her because they thought she was a fashion icon.  She since started a blog called Accidental Icon and you can find her anywhere on the internet.  She does not dress according to her age, wears what she likes the most, (she doesn’t usually show much skin) and to me looks (and is) amazing!

Society is much more accepting these days about differences, sometimes to a fault, but in so many ways it is refreshing and easier than it used to be.  Who we hang around with also dictates to some degree how we think we should be and we tend to shrink back and try and fit in.  Of course we do need to fit in to some degree because it is natural for people to accept those who are like them.

How we behave, dress, live is dictated by our values.  At the same time if you are the type of person who shrinks back because you don’t want to make waves or are scared to be unliked and so hide true parts of yourself and don’t feel very fulfilled, stepping out and being yourself more may be a growth spurt opportunity.

There are so many ways where we may feel “less than” and are constantly trying to fit in… it could be by spending money we don’t have – to look better, drive better cars, have perfect homes – or it could be in the way we behave – laughing at people’s jokes when we don’t think they are funny or gossiping along with them because we want to be accepted into their circle.

We don’t show up for ourselves because we believe we are inferior or not good enough or unworthy.

When you want to do something that brings out some of your essence there’s a certain amount of excitement and satisfaction that fills you.

Are there some ways that you hold yourself back from expressing yourself?  What are they?

Do you find that you try and fit in by compromising yourself?

Learn to love yourself as you are and express yourself in a way that brings out who you are to the world.

With love
Eve

Reopening the Door

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funny life door

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we had hoped but it doesn’t mean we can’t still have a life worth living. There are ways to fix things that seem broken.

Let’s take relationships for example. All relationships require that we spend time making them happen. People who live together can be like ships in the night, you see each other in the passage, say good morning and goodnight, maybe even sit together watching tv but you don’t actually spend quality time together.

NOTICING

The first thing to save a situation like this is to NOTICE that it is happening. Once you are aware of the situation you can take steps to make things better.

END IN MIND

Next, decide about how you would like your relationship to be and then work towards that vision.

ACTION

Take steps to make it happen. Some examples: Take time to hear about each other’s day. Help with the dishes or make a meal together once a week. Buy your partner a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s a gesture to show your partner that you thought about them). Give your partner sincere compliments.

RECOGNITION

Recognise all the good they do and acknowledge them for it. Everyone wants to be appreciated for the effort they put in.

PLAY

Have fun together. Do things that you both like doing. Go on dates. Play a song and dance together. Bath the dogs together. Squirt water at each other (keep in mind you must both like water to some extent). Make each other laugh.

FORGIVENESS

Neither of you are going to get it right a lot of the time. Forgive each other for being human and pick it up from where you left off. If there is something huge to forgive then perhaps see someone who can help you do that.

NOTICE

And we are back to the NOTICING again. Notice your partner. Notice when they are sad and let them talk to you or just be there for them. Notice when they are happy and enjoy it and be happy with them. Notice when they need help to hold the ladder. Notice when they can’t open the lid of the bottle.

Relationships are a gift (sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). They are a gift to help us grow, to have connection, to share your life with another person. It’s not something to just let happen. You need to be an active member.

With love

Eve

For online coaching please contact me with a simple click.

15 Minutes

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Relationships can be enjoyable, horrible, stressful, amazing, connecting, separating, draining, life giving.

One of the best eye openers to what goes on in a relationship (any relationship) is when there is a power outage.  Suddenly, there’s no internet, no WhatsApp, no food to cook, no TV.  There’s only candles and LED lights and each other.

To make a relationship work requires that both (but it can start with just one of the couple) makes an effort to connect.  The phones and all other technology can so easily get in the way of that.

Here are a few ways to make a change:

PHONE DOWN
Put your phone down when you see a family member coming towards you or when you hear them walking down the passage.  It makes them feel wanted and noticed.  Give your loved ones a proper greeting when they come home, a hug and a kiss goes a long way to someone feeling loved and appreciated.

FAMILY TIME
Make dinner time a no-phone zone.  Even though it’s difficult to get this to happen it reaps benefits.  There are so many studies which state the benefits of sitting down together as a family to eat dinner.  Maybe that’s your only time together every day so put the phones away.

SOCIAL MEDIA DIET
Facebook, instagram, Youtube are not going to bring you closer to the people you love.  Make time to cook together, declutter together, go out for ice cream or walk the dogs.  That’s what will build real relationships.

15 MINUTES
Studies have shown that in marriages that thrive well, a couple spends an uninterrupted 15 minutes together every day.  15 minutes.

FORGIVENESS
This is all very good and well, however, life happens and it doesn’t always go so easily.  So forgive yourself when you make a mistake but make it better next time.  Forgive your partner for not getting it right too.

Relationships are so necessary to our lives (any type of relationship) yet we often don’t put enough into them.  Decide what is important to you and work towards it.

That’s all.

With love
Eve

What the World Needs

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I really think that if people just stopped and realised that:

  • We are all the same on the inside….
  • We all have needs, problems, sadness, joy,
  • We want to live in peace, have a roof over our heads and food on the table,
  • We want the best for our children,
  • We want to be healthy and well,
  • We want people around us to love, and to love us.

…… We would be less angry, less resentful, less pained.  We would see others and ourselves with eyes of compassion and be kind to them.  We would look after the environment more for the next person and the next generation.  People would think twice about being bad to each other and would choose to be good.  Because at the end of the day, we are all the same.

group hugSo be kind to the next person, let it spread into the world because what this world needs right now is a group hug.

With love
Eve