The Trick to Changing Someone

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carl jung quotes | finding peace of mind | mindfulness techniques | emotional resilience | deal with feelings | acceptance and commitment therapy

So-and-so is important to you and is a really nice person, has lots of good traits but is sometimes a pain in the neck and doesn’t do what you wish they would. You may be tempted to change them only to find that even if they did make some changes, those changes don’t last very long.

The trick to changing someone is….. drumroll …………….

Changing yourself.

Lori Palatnik (author and speaker) says that children are born with their main personalities in place.  If that is true then how much more so for adults who have been living for quite a long time – i.e. they are set in their ways.

When we want someone to change we have to do to them what we want them to do for us.  If you want someone to pay attention to you, you need to pay attention to them first.  If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them first.  It may sound annoying to even think that this is the case but it works.

Just try it for two weeks and see the results.  Every person in a relationship is a separate entity.  Each person comes from their own perspective and believes that they are the wronged or suffering one.  If you want change it has to come from you.  Then change happens.

Talking doesn’t always work.  Action works better.

With love
Eve

 

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Eve Marks is a Fulfillment Coach and Artist.

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The Opposite of Love isn’t Hate

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ignored

Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.”

Apparently there are have been scientific studies which prove that the brain registers as physical pain when a person is being ignored.  I have read a couple of articles on it but I don’t have the scientific sources.  If it is true though, why do we feel so much pain at being ignored and what can we do about it?

Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but the silence is really saying a lot.  It’s also a way to inflict pain without fighting.  It’s a type of passive aggressive behaviour.

When someone ignores you how do you feel?  Angry?  Hurt?  Irritated?  Sad?

When we are ignored we start to think all sorts of things about ourselves such as:

  • They don’t like me
  • I’m unloveable
  • People always ignore me
  • I am invisible
  • Fill your own in here ………………

These type of thoughts and  beliefs we have create the pain we feel.

What can we do?

Ask yourself questions.  For example: 

  • Is it true that I am invisible? (No it’s not because if you turn to someone and ask them they will verify that you are visible to them).
  • Is it true that they don’t like me?  (Well unless you ask them you will never really know).
  • Do I need to care that they don’t like me?  (Well do you?)
  • Can I be myself no matter what? (It may be hard but chances are you can give yourself the permission to be yourself).
  • If someone ignores me am I unloveable?  (No.)

Affirm yourself with words of love:

  • I am a loveable, visible human being.
  • My worth is not measured by these particular people.
  • There are people who take notice of what I say.

The bottom line is that yes, being ignored is hurtful but it doesn’t mean you are not a beautiful, worthy human being.  You just need to remind yourself of that and try not to let others affect your beliefs about yourself and the world.  Keep in mind that we inflict this kind of pain on others too and it is good to be aware of our own behaviour and to rectify it in some way.

Was this article helpful to you?

If you wish to book a consultation to deal with this type of problem in a more in depth and personal way please feel free to contact me by clicking here.

With love
Eve

Help Offered

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Displaying

3 weeks ago I was happily walking the dogs when I stepped into a hole and twisted my ankle.  I tore a ligament and have since been on crutches and in a moon boot.  Firstly I want to praise the inventor of the moon boot because it allowed me to be reasonably mobile at home.

Last week I was finally able to go shopping.  First I went to Moishes butchery (while my hubby who had dropped me there went to buy dogfood) and I was standing in the queue when I saw that the teller looked at my foot and was frowning.  When I got to her till she said to me that I shouldn’t have waited in the queue, next time I should just come to the front of the queue.  She then called the security officer to take my packets to the car for me which he duly did.

My hubby then dropped me at Woolies in Norwood and I was quite sure I would manage on my own and would catch an Uber back home.  While looking at the fresh produce a tall, gentle looking staff member named Bafana offered to push my trolley for me while I shopped.  I was so taken aback and felt very grateful for his offer but decided to do it myself as I knew that I would probably take quite long and didn’t want to use up his time.  It was actually quite challenging as I had to push the trolley with my tummy and it’s quite awkward reaching for items and then putting them in the trolley while walking with both crutches.  Bafana came to check on me halfway through my shopping and told me he really wanted to help me and suggested that I ask him next time.  My hubby fetched me as he had already finished all he had to do while I was in Woolies!  I told you I would take long.

Even though I could have relied on those people and it probably would have been wiser to do so, I was tired yet elated when I got home.  I was so amazed by the kindness of these strangers.  They had genuine care in their eyes.  It did not seem to be just a matter of being a good employee, they sincerely wanted to be of help.

I had to take a backseat these three weeks and let other people do things for me which is harder than you would think.  Sitting back and letting others do the work is not my default setting.  I would like to thank my family for making me feel comfortable and allowing me the time I needed to heal.  I have written to the shops to praise their staff members and hope that they get recognised in some way.

The kindness of strangers happens more than we think.  Let’s spread stories of kindness as much as possible.  I think we all need a little bit of sun.

Wishing you well
Eve

Dear Not Clever Enough…

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what if you flySomeone wrote to me the other day and mentioned that they are struggling to take the next step in their life because they are not confident and feel as though they are not clever enough.

What makes a person clever enough?

There are billions of people in the world.  Some are more clever and some are less clever but if we feel inferior then we will always look at the ones who are more clever than us and compare ourselves to them (which of course makes us believe we are stupid).  What does this do to help us move forward in life?

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

You are cleverer than you think, more beautiful than you believe, more capable than you can imagine.  If you allow your old messages of not being good enough to dictate your life then you will struggle to move forward.  It’s time to leave those limiting beliefs behind you and fulfill your potential.

If this is something you find hard to do on your own I can help you with this.

I wish you well.

Eve

When Right is Wrong

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I had an argument with someone close to me the other day and I’m telling you by 11 pm when it was time to go to sleep, I felt remorse and regret.  Not that I didn’t think I was right at the time of the argument (of course I was haha) but I just realized the futility of what had taken place and how it takes me further away from someone instead of closer to them.

right and wrongWhat is the point of relationships?  Why do we have the people that we have in our lives?  Why can’t we just live on our own and not interact with people, that way we won’t have conflict and we will be at peace?

I don’t have all the answers, obviously, but my view is that each relationship does have a point and a purpose.   When you know what that purpose is it can change the dynamics of your relationship.  At the end of the day you will keep coming back to the purpose and that will keep you on track for the next time.

Being right is not always right.  It may feel like it at the time but it creates a space between you and the other person that needs to be healed and that takes time and effort.  Try and pick your battles and decide if being right is going to serve you or not.

Go for a win-win situation where both of you come out feeling heard and respected.

I wish you lots of beautiful connections
With love
Eve

Building yourself Up

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self esteem - gold stuffWithout realizing it people often buy things to boost their self esteem.  A new outfit, a new car, a bigger home….

They may feel better about themselves for a short period of time but the feeling goes away and all they are left with is an expensive debt.

When people need an external item to build themselves up then it’s time to ask why they need it in the first place.  Here are two questions they could ask:

  • Why do I need this?
  • What does it say about me if I have this?

The answers to the second question can be eye opening and can often come down to core beliefs we hold about ourselves.  Often we let these core beliefs hold us back in life, if we are embarrassed about our furniture or our home we may resist inviting people over.

An example using the above questions would be:  You feel embarrassed about your lounge suite as it is old and grubby and discoloured.  So you avoid people coming to the lounge if you can.  Ask yourself why you feel embarrassed.  Then ask yourself what feeling embarrassed about your lounge says about you.   Some answers could be: If my lounge suite looks like this, people will think badly of me, people will think I don’t take care of my things, people will think I don’t have money, people will look down on me.  If people think these things about me then I am a failure, I don’t deserve to have visitors over, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy.

This above scenario might sound extreme but when a person has feelings of inferiority around their stuff, its usually based on these self doubting thoughts they are having.  If you have never done this type of work before you would be surprised about what your thoughts are.

Do you recognize any of those statements when it comes to your inner dialogue?  Are any of those thoughts actually true?  Do people really think those things?  Well you don’t know unless you ask them because you can’t read someone else’s mind.  Even if people did think those thoughts about you…. does it really matter?  So what if they do.  It doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Once you are aware of your why’s, you may relook at things and work on feeling good from the inside.

I can help you work with that.

With love
Eve

Valentines Perspective – Love or Chocolates

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Valentines day background with champagne and roses

Once a year Valentine’s day comes around and there’s huge pressure for those who celebrate it.  Singles feel sad or desperate, boyfriends and husbands are expected to make sure that they remember their significant other with expensive gifts and large gestures, flowers cost the earth, even children at school who don’t receive a valentine’s card feel lost and alone.  People have expectations about how romantic the day is going to be and then are often disappointed by the displays received and are sometimes even devastated when their partner forgets.  Fights ensue.

Yes of course people should celebrate the love they have for each other and if you love Valentine’s day you are going to hate this article.  Historically it doesn’t have very savoury or romantic beginnings (google it) but has been marketed to become a money making bonanza.

One of my pet peeves is the way Valentine’s Day is marketed.  Everything is Red and Black.  I mean what is that?  If you walk past any shop there is bound to be a display of red or black lingerie or red chocolates or red mugs with “be my Valentine” printed on them.  Yes, red is traditionally the colour of love or hearts but is it not possible to have cutsie pajamas with a lovey-dovey message in a pretty blue?  It’s not advertised as love, it’s actually advertised as sex.

If you love your significant other then neither of you should be waiting for the 14th of February to display your love for one another.  Relationships need to be constantly nurtured.  Almost every day couples need to respect each other, think of how the other one feels before they speak or act, give their partner a treat (like rub their shoulders or bring them a cup of coffee), say words of love, give positive touch, appreciate one another, look into each other’s eyes, talk.

People get caught up in the busyness of every day life and these days technology adds to the problem.  People are on their phones a lot and so extra effort needs to be made to bring each other together, to put those phones down, to switch off the tv or close the laptop and talk to each other.

Valentine’s day is just a day on a calendar.  Buy your partner some chocolates or flowers this week.  Shake it up a little.  Both men and women need to be treated and feel appreciated.  Try and have a date every week – it doesn’t have to be expensive and can even be at home.  If you are single do something fabulous for yourself… often, not just once a year.

You are worthy of receiving (and giving) love the whole year round.

With love
Eve