Angry People are Angry

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If you believe something about yourself, it’s bound to eventually come true.  For example, from a young age I would look at the other girls in the class and believe that I was so much bigger than them and therefore fat and therefore unattractive.  Before we go on let’s get this out the way now…. I don’t believe that being fat equals unattractive.  But I used to.  And it applied to me.  When I look back on the memory of when I made this decision about myself I can actually see in front of me the girl that I compared myself to.  She was one of the thinnest girls in the class!  When I look back on photos of that time – I was 11 years old – I had an average size figure and a sweet face.

But in my MIND I was fat.  Because I had made up my mind that I was fat I started (without realising it) becoming what people call fat.  I say that because I am not fat, I have fat on my body.  That’s two different things.  Do you get it? We believe that we are the label.  The label could be rich, poor, unwell, frail, weak, sad, angry, anxious, helpless, failure, unemployed, old, (add yours …………………………).  Once we decide that we are the label we become the label.

Other people also give us labels or they see our labels and just verbalise them.  For example:  John is an angry person.  Why do we hold on to these labels?  Why don’t we change them to what we want them to be?  Well… we believe them for one.  There are also payoff’s to keeping the label – if John is angry people are scared of him and he keeps on being angry because that’s how he gets to stay in control because when he was growing up he felt weak or helpless in his situation and so being angry helps him stay strong.  Once we are comfortable with our label (and by the way we don’t realise we are until we work with it) it’s hard to let go of it.  It also takes some strength looking at yourself and asking what you are getting out of it.

What is the solution?  It’s not a quick fix really….. it takes looking at what is really happening for you and working through it.  Healing the wounds from the past and changing the labels. Making new ones.

You can have any label you want actually.  Why not choose it?

With love
Eve

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When Right is Wrong

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I had an argument with someone close to me the other day and I’m telling you by 11 pm when it was time to go to sleep, I felt remorse and regret.  Not that I didn’t think I was right at the time of the argument (of course I was haha) but I just realized the futility of what had taken place and how it takes me further away from someone instead of closer to them.

right and wrongWhat is the point of relationships?  Why do we have the people that we have in our lives?  Why can’t we just live on our own and not interact with people, that way we won’t have conflict and we will be at peace?

I don’t have all the answers, obviously, but my view is that each relationship does have a point and a purpose.   When you know what that purpose is it can change the dynamics of your relationship.  At the end of the day you will keep coming back to the purpose and that will keep you on track for the next time.

Being right is not always right.  It may feel like it at the time but it creates a space between you and the other person that needs to be healed and that takes time and effort.  Try and pick your battles and decide if being right is going to serve you or not.

Go for a win-win situation where both of you come out feeling heard and respected.

I wish you lots of beautiful connections
With love
Eve

Secrets behind the Mask

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mask

Do you pretend that all is well?  How many times does someone ask you how you are and you just say “Fine thanks”.  It becomes habitual and half the time the other person doesn’t listen to your response anyway and vice versa.  A wise person I know suggested that if you aren’t prepared to engage in conversation don’t ask how the other person is, if you do ask, then listen to their answer and respond.

Most of us pretend – to some degree – about how we are doing.  We would rather everything looks hunkie dorie to the outside world because then we are “okay”.  If people know that we are struggling then maybe it means we have failed in some way.  Well it doesn’t mean that but we think it does.

I don’t believe in spilling our guts to anyone who has ears.  Rather we should choose someone who will want to listen or who will be a non-judgemental support.  Not everybody is the right person to speak to.

Remember that everyone goes through things.  Nobody gets through life unscathed.  Yet so many people look fine…. right?  That’s because people put on a brave face.  If you think that couple a few houses down has a perfect marriage or a member in your community doesn’t have financial worries, you may be surprised to find that they are struggling too and are also putting on a mask, just like you.  Even if their financial worries are non existent, they might have other problems they are trying to deal with.

Everyone suffers in some way, people hide the truth from others as a form of protection.  Put yourself in their shoes, be kind, you never know what someone else is going through.  And for you…. Let yourself be vulnerable by talking to someone you trust so that you can also get the support you need.

With love

Eve

Building yourself Up

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self esteem - gold stuffWithout realizing it people often buy things to boost their self esteem.  A new outfit, a new car, a bigger home….

They may feel better about themselves for a short period of time but the feeling goes away and all they are left with is an expensive debt.

When people need an external item to build themselves up then it’s time to ask why they need it in the first place.  Here are two questions they could ask:

  • Why do I need this?
  • What does it say about me if I have this?

The answers to the second question can be eye opening and can often come down to core beliefs we hold about ourselves.  Often we let these core beliefs hold us back in life, if we are embarrassed about our furniture or our home we may resist inviting people over.

An example using the above questions would be:  You feel embarrassed about your lounge suite as it is old and grubby and discoloured.  So you avoid people coming to the lounge if you can.  Ask yourself why you feel embarrassed.  Then ask yourself what feeling embarrassed about your lounge says about you.   Some answers could be: If my lounge suite looks like this, people will think badly of me, people will think I don’t take care of my things, people will think I don’t have money, people will look down on me.  If people think these things about me then I am a failure, I don’t deserve to have visitors over, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy.

This above scenario might sound extreme but when a person has feelings of inferiority around their stuff, its usually based on these self doubting thoughts they are having.  If you have never done this type of work before you would be surprised about what your thoughts are.

Do you recognize any of those statements when it comes to your inner dialogue?  Are any of those thoughts actually true?  Do people really think those things?  Well you don’t know unless you ask them because you can’t read someone else’s mind.  Even if people did think those thoughts about you…. does it really matter?  So what if they do.  It doesn’t make you any less of a person.

Once you are aware of your why’s, you may relook at things and work on feeling good from the inside.

I can help you work with that.

With love
Eve

Constantly Craving

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Food spagettiWhen it comes to food, cravings can be your body telling you what you really need.  So why does my body keep craving chocolate you may ask?

Is it that I’m craving the deeply nutritious cocoa bean?  Maybe and maybe not.  There are also psychological cravings associated with food (and any other thing we crave).

Perhaps ask yourself “What is it I really want (or need) right now?”.  You may find when you are walking around like a zombie looking for chocolate that what you are really looking for is a hug or maybe you are exhausted and looking for some quick energy.  Take notice of what is happening in your life at that moment and with practise you will be able to gauge what it is you are really looking for.  Then try and satisfy the real need.

If you are looking for energy, water or a nap usually helps with that.  If you are looking for a hug, get one or phone someone who will lift your spirits.  If you have just had an argument you may crave the crunchiness of chips to assuage your anger but what you really need is some resolution of the issue or someone to talk to.

By the way I’m not telling you not to eat chocolate or whatever it is you are wanting to eat, that’s not my job and anyway I don’t believe in forbidden foods.  What I am saying is look at what the emotional trigger is behind your cravings and work with that.  If you have many unresolved issues and food is your vice you will most likely find yourself running towards the fridge or corner café several times a day even if you are not hungry.

Another reason why cravings can be so hard to deal with is that they are also aggravated by the chemical response.  For example:  carbohydrates and cheese together reacts with the pleasure centre of the brain.  Therefore if you don’t enjoy your job or school, you will find yourself craving toasted cheese sandwiches, pizza or pasta every afternoon when you get home*.   This becomes something that your body starts to crave whenever you need a boost of pleasure.  There are other ways to get a similar boost for example exercise or a warm bath also reacts with pleasure chemicals in the brain.

Whatever your craving is, it’s never a simple thing to just ignore it.  After all we are designed that way.  I think cravings aren’t meant to be ignored but addressed instead.  If you work at resolving the underlying issue, maybe you’ll only crave the particular food now and then instead of every day.

With love
Eve

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*Doreen Virtue wrote a book called Constant Cravings which gives more details about this if you are interested.

Note: I have only discussed food cravings here but all cravings such as smoking or alcohol can be addressed.  Obviously the chemical hold of nicotine, alcohol and other drugs are very strong and need a lot of intervention.

Valentines Perspective – Love or Chocolates

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Valentines day background with champagne and roses

Once a year Valentine’s day comes around and there’s huge pressure for those who celebrate it.  Singles feel sad or desperate, boyfriends and husbands are expected to make sure that they remember their significant other with expensive gifts and large gestures, flowers cost the earth, even children at school who don’t receive a valentine’s card feel lost and alone.  People have expectations about how romantic the day is going to be and then are often disappointed by the displays received and are sometimes even devastated when their partner forgets.  Fights ensue.

Yes of course people should celebrate the love they have for each other and if you love Valentine’s day you are going to hate this article.  Historically it doesn’t have very savoury or romantic beginnings (google it) but has been marketed to become a money making bonanza.

One of my pet peeves is the way Valentine’s Day is marketed.  Everything is Red and Black.  I mean what is that?  If you walk past any shop there is bound to be a display of red or black lingerie or red chocolates or red mugs with “be my Valentine” printed on them.  Yes, red is traditionally the colour of love or hearts but is it not possible to have cutsie pajamas with a lovey-dovey message in a pretty blue?  It’s not advertised as love, it’s actually advertised as sex.

If you love your significant other then neither of you should be waiting for the 14th of February to display your love for one another.  Relationships need to be constantly nurtured.  Almost every day couples need to respect each other, think of how the other one feels before they speak or act, give their partner a treat (like rub their shoulders or bring them a cup of coffee), say words of love, give positive touch, appreciate one another, look into each other’s eyes, talk.

People get caught up in the busyness of every day life and these days technology adds to the problem.  People are on their phones a lot and so extra effort needs to be made to bring each other together, to put those phones down, to switch off the tv or close the laptop and talk to each other.

Valentine’s day is just a day on a calendar.  Buy your partner some chocolates or flowers this week.  Shake it up a little.  Both men and women need to be treated and feel appreciated.  Try and have a date every week – it doesn’t have to be expensive and can even be at home.  If you are single do something fabulous for yourself… often, not just once a year.

You are worthy of receiving (and giving) love the whole year round.

With love
Eve

Gaining Freedom

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Freedom from CaptivityFreedom is available at any time to anyone – and so is captivity – Martha Beck

Most of us are captives of our minds.  We spend much of the day thinking about things which cause us stress.  But are those things we think really true?  So many people are riddled with anxiety – life can be pretty stressful.  Much of the time though, we are thinking thoughts that create this anxiety and therefore captivity.

Some big things that we may be  anxious about are health, safety, financial security, problems with relationships, children, are we living the life we want to live, can we cope with whatever it is we are doing, work, etc.  These are big but worrying about them only causes anxiety, it doesn’t solve the issues.

What can help?

Writing
Writing is such a healing practise and it costs nothing except maybe a pen and paper.  Write down all the things that are worrying you and then see if they are true or not.  We often think things are true that are not.  This is something that I can help you get clarity with if you are struggling to figure it out.  Spoiler alert: Most of what we think is false.

Writing in a journal a few times a week, all your thoughts, your ideas, possible solutions to the problems you have…. is very cathartic.  When we leave those thoughts in our heads, they stay there, going round and round, causing anxiety.

Spiritual Practise
Praying, Meditating, Trusting, Breathing.  Whatever your religion (or non-religion) there is some form of spiritual practise that can help you to feel calmer.  Look for ideas within your tradition that can help you.

Speak to Someone
Speak to a person you who is objective and who you trust.  If you are petrified that the world is going to end soon, don’t confide in your friend who has the same fear.  Speak to someone who understands you and doesn’t judge you but has a more logical approach and can help you put some of your fears aside.  If you don’t have someone like that then hire someone to help you.

Becoming free of the captivity we hold ourselves in means becoming aware and doing some work but it’s good work and you will feel the difference.

Go for it.  Loosen the shackles that bind you.

With love
Eve