Compromise vs Compromising Yourself

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Apple sewn togetherCompromise is not about losing, it’s about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do ~ Donna Martini

In any relationship where two people are trying to make a decision no matter if it’s what furniture to buy, which holiday destination is preferable, when to have children, what to have for dinner…. etc, it’s necessary to compromise so that you can both be happy with the outcome.  Of course you are not always going to be happy but in general two people should aim for a win-win situation.

(Obviously deciding what to have for dinner is not such a big issue unless you have specific dietary requirements and your partner insists on going to a place where there’s nothing you can eat).

Giving in too often will lead you to resent the other person and this can result in an unhealthy relationship where you take subtle revenge on each other, perhaps in a passive aggressive way or where you hold back and don’t give your all.

As I discussed in last week’s article every person needs to have their needs met.  We all want and need things from the other person and relationships are a matter of give and take.  If you are the one who keeps having to give in to make the other person happy you will be constricting your self, making your self smaller and in the long run, unhappy.

Remember, you are important and worthy too.

The aim would be to both be happy so talk about it and come to a compromise that works for both of you, most of the time.

It’s important to know when to bend and when to stand your ground.  Often we have to agree to disagree and meet somewhere in the middle. Relationships are about seeing each other and supporting each other’s dreams and values.  You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams unless they are illegal or gross.

Check in with yourself that you are not the person insisting on getting your way all the time.  It’s important for self growth and for your relationship to notice when you need to work on yourself.

This is work for all of us because relationships are designed to stretch us.

Build each other up and treat each other with respect and care.

With love
Eve

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The Trick to Changing Someone

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carl jung quotes | finding peace of mind | mindfulness techniques | emotional resilience | deal with feelings | acceptance and commitment therapy

So-and-so is important to you and is a really nice person, has lots of good traits but is sometimes a pain in the neck and doesn’t do what you wish they would. You may be tempted to change them only to find that even if they did make some changes, those changes don’t last very long.

The trick to changing someone is….. drumroll …………….

Changing yourself.

Lori Palatnik (author and speaker) says that children are born with their main personalities in place.  If that is true then how much more so for adults who have been living for quite a long time – i.e. they are set in their ways.

When we want someone to change we have to do to them what we want them to do for us.  If you want someone to pay attention to you, you need to pay attention to them first.  If you want someone to be kind to you, you have to be kind to them first.  It may sound annoying to even think that this is the case but it works.

Just try it for two weeks and see the results.  Every person in a relationship is a separate entity.  Each person comes from their own perspective and believes that they are the wronged or suffering one.  If you want change it has to come from you.  Then change happens.

Talking doesn’t always work.  Action works better.

With love
Eve

 

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Eve Marks is a Fulfillment Coach and Artist.

The Magic of Beginnings

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change - butterflies“And suddenly you know…. it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings”

Today I realised something about myself that I hadn’t realised before.  I’ve been acting in a certain way that bothers me if others do it.  A remarkable woman I know revealed this to me and with an uncomfortable giggle I admitted she was right.

I’m grateful she showed me where I’m going wrong because it’s not how I want to be.  I could continue in my old ways of course (which is the easier option) and enable others to do the same or I could leap into the unknown which is a bit scary but has exciting possibilities and that’s the route I’d rather take.

I’m trusting the magic of beginnings, I’m trusting that the path I’m taking will lead me closer to where I want to be as a person.  It most likely won’t be all clear sailing because when I change myself there are adjustments to be made by everyone involved and people – generally speaking – don’t like change.

It’s hard to look at ourselves sometimes but if we take the challenge there’s so much to look forward to.

I’m excited about this!

With love
Eve

Getting more Snoozles

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behaviour - path to the seaWhat is it you want?  Choose one thing to work with for now e.g. getting fit, improving a relationship, making money, being on time, washing your car regularly… You name your own.

I’ll choose getting up early as an example to demonstrate.

I want to get up early.  I set my alarm but I keep pressing the snooze button.  So what do I really want?  I want to sleep late of course!

Our behaviour is our real purpose lived out.

What am I doing to prevent myself from getting up early?  Well one thing is getting to bed too late so I’m not acquiring the amount of sleep that my body needs.  I then make up for it in the morning.

If I really want to get up early and it’s important to me then I will make the effort to go to bed at a reasonable hour in order to get the snoozles I need.

behaviour is real purpose lived outNothing happens unless we make it happen. 

Agree?  Disagree?  I would love to hear from you.

May you have a week where you make one small change in the direction want to move into.

With love

Eve
(Insights from the Power of Purpose Course.  Don’t miss it next time!  It is Powerful)

Closing the Gap

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What is the word that actually describes your life?  What is the word you wish described your life?  How are you going to get closer to the life you wish for?

In order to write this for you I had to make it personal so that you would glean from my example.  So  here goes….

The word that describes my life right now is swamped.  How would I like it to be?  Flowing.

Funny that both those words have reference to water.  Swamped feels exactly as it sounds, bogged down, difficult to get out of, overwhelming, too much to do.  Flowing is peaceful, things going according to plan, doing what feels right, not taking on too much, dancing movements, glittering beauty (okay, I’m getting carried away because I really want to be on holiday right now).

Firstly it’s important to note that the words that I have used to describe my current state are all beliefs.   Are they true?  Well not really.   They are just thoughts, a state of mind.  If I believe my life is overwhelming then it really seems overwhelming and then that’s what it is.  Overwhelming.  Too much to do?  How do I know how much is too much to do?  This may be hard to comprehend right now but believe me, it is very freeing when you are able to differentiate between the truth and what you think is the truth.  I had a look at some pictures of swamps and believe me that is not what my life looks like (thank G-d) – but I have been thinking it is!

How am I going to close the gap?

I will look in my diary when something comes up and  I will ask myself if it is necessary, if it is doable, if it is something I really want or if I am doing it for other reasons such as people pleasing or fame and fortune.

I will make extra time for traveling in my diary.  Sometimes I forget to do this and then find myself rushing from place to place because I haven’t added the traveling time into my day.  It is so much more peaceful when I can drive to place and sing at the same time instead of sweating from the stress of trying not to be too late.

I will forgive myself for being human.  If I set a certain amount of goals and can only reach a few of them, I will remind myself that I am human and can only do so much.  If I overburden myself with negative criticism it’s no wonder I believe I’m overwhelmed because not only am I rushing and not managing to fulfill my expectations of myself but I am also adding harsh words to the mix.

I will make time for the things that are a priority in my life.  Sometimes we forget what we are aiming for.  We lose sight of our purpose.  If I refocus I will be able to say no to invitations that come up and only choose the ones that talk to my higher purposes.

I will make time for myself to relax.  How can I even do any of the above if I don’t make time to relax and nurture myself?  That means making proper food and not eating on the run, spending time lying or walking on the grass, having naps, going out on a date with myself (now and then), treating myself like I would treat anybody else, with courtesy and kindness.

Wishing you a beautiful week of seeing what’s really happening in your life and making steps to close the gap.

I would love to hear the words you chose and some of your ideas on how you are going to close your gap.

With love
Eve

 

 

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The Oxygen of Relationships

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communication-oxygen-to-lifeTwo people (no matter what their relationship is) can walk around holding resentments towards each other for all the wrong reasons.  Not that there’s a right reason to be resentful but what I mean is this…

Here’s a scenario:  Bob and Sam are friends.  Once Sam mentioned something judgemental to Bob about people who buy expensive cars.  Bob, who has an expensive car, thought that Sam was talking about him.  Bob has been walking around holding this resentment for about a year and Sam is oblivious to it.  Often when Bob gets into his car and thinks about Sam, part of his driving enjoyment is lost.  Whenever he sees Sam these days he looks down on him a little bit and makes snide remarks about things that Sam does.  They are drifting apart and both of them think that maybe their friendship is past it’s sell-by date.

What is missing here is communication.  If Bob had spoken to Sam about this, he would have realised that Sam wasn’t even talking about him.

communication-resentmentThis can happen in subtle and secret ways too.  I read about a person who found out that her husband resented her for becoming overweight during their marriage.  This had come as a total surprise to her as he had never said anything to her about it.  If they had spoken about this issue they could have found a solution together.  Not only that but they could have grown closer by communicating with and supporting each other.  He had been holding on to this resentment in secret and had been taking his revenge in subtle and silent ways.

If I could give you something important to take away with you it would be this.  When communicating….

Seek first to understand

Listen to what the other person has to say.  Don’t just wait quietly until he or she is finished speaking so that you can speak.  Listening is the key to communicating effectively.  We often forget this and think that speaking is the most important part.

Speak from your own point of view

Talk from your own experience and feelings (For example…  “I feel hurt by what you just said” – rather than “you are always hurting me”).

Listen and try not to interrupt.  Then have your say.

Here’s wishing you strength to create peace in your relationships.

Eve

The wound is the place where the light enters you – Rumi

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dark - stars with treesThere can be no light without darkness, no morning without night, no up without down, no full without empty, we can’t see the stars unless it’s dark …..

During adversity and our toughest moments we get to make a choice.  What am I going to do with this?  How am I going to make it work?  How am I going to make things better?  Am I going to let the darkness fully descend on me and let myself fall apart?

Rumi says the wound is the place where the light enters you but I think we need to allow the light in.  We can close the shutters and stay in the dark or we can open them and be momentarily blinded by the light until we adjust to the circumstances.

If we allow the light (the solutions, other people, G-d, hope, laughter) into our lives, we can begin to heal.

In my own life when I am going through a challenge if I let the light in, people I am with seem more important than ever and together we look for solutions and become closer in the process.

Thriving instead of just surviving can be accomplished even in tough situations.  I’ve seen it with people I know, seemingly insurmountable problems are overcome and even though it’s not easy for them, they learn to accept what is and learn to include it in their lives and find a way to manage.  I’m inspired by those people.

None of us are immune to life’s complications.  If you find it hard to figure it out yourself look for a counsellor, a coach or a trusted friend to help you step into hope.  Sometimes all we need is a hand or kind wise words to pull us into the direction of being able to save ourselves.

If we are open to it, seemingly “coincidental” things occur – people that we need suddenly arrive into our lives, a song is played on the radio with the words we need to hear, we come across a quote on Pinterest that exactly hits the spot.  These things are not coincidences, they are moments of Light to help us along the way.

It can get worse before it gets better, however being honest with ourselves and facing the wounds will help to manifest the light in and around us, expanding us and bringing us to a whole new conscious way of being.

May you be blessed with finding easy ways out of your challenges.

Eve


To find out what type of coaching I do please visit my Facebook page @evemarkshealing by clicking here.