Should you care?

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When you are 20 you care what everyone else thinks,
When you are 40 you stop caring what everyone else thinks,
When you are 60 you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place
– Will Rogers

Some things that are true about me…  I’m giving, I’m compassionate, I’m helpful, I’m capable, I’m creative, I’m insightful, I’m authentic, I love.

carefree 2So whether people think badly about me or not, they can’t take away what is true about me.  If I believe my truths then I will live them to the best of my ability.  If I believe what others may or may not think about me, I will revert back to my averse beliefs in myself and I will hold myself back from the world.  I know this because I’ve done this and every so often I still do but I’m growing and more often I am able to hold on to what is true about me and I like what I see.

Unless someone actually tells you how they feel about you, everything you think they think is speculation.  If they do tell you what they think about you in an ill-disposed or hurtful way it doesn’t mean you have to be convinced, because you don’t know what lies behind their words.  

Sometimes people will think negatively about you but 5 minutes later they have forgotten about it because they are involved in themselves.  It’s important to remember that not everybody has to like you.  If you are living your best life and not purposefully hurting anyone then what they think should not bring you down.  As I’ve told you before, your own thoughts about yourself are what hurt you because deep down you have negative convictions about yourself which feel real to you.  

Telling yourself your own truths is not boasting, it’s recognizing who you are.  Boasting is excessively proud and self-satisfied talk about your achievements, possessions, or abilities.  Living your truths is about being – not necessarily talking about them especially to put yourself above another person.  Nobody is superior or inferior to anybody else.  

So for a change instead of acting out your life based on your negative beliefs about yourself, start to live by your truths.

Write down some truths about yourself now – I’ll wait.  

With love
Eve

p.s. if you need help to find those truths, please book a time with me to help you online.  I’m having  special for the rest of July/August – 20% discount per session = only $33 via skype or zoom.

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Your inner strength is rubbing off

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I see youCompassionate people ask for what they need.  They say no when they need to and when the say yes, they mean it.  They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment  – Brene Brown

 I volunteered to be on the team for the More to Life Weekend.  I can’t emphasise enough how life changing that weekend workshop can be.  It was amazing to be a part of it.  Not only did the participants grow exponentially and have huge transformation in their lives – walking in at the beginning of the weekend heads down, shoulders slouched, faces stretched taut – walking out at the end eyes shining, bodies standing tall, faces emanating joy….. but those on team also grew in leaps and bounds.  It was a privilege to behold.

Each person on team works on something in their own lives where they are wanting to grow and I chose boundaries because that is an area of challenge in my life.

The more to life community is unique in that it encourages each person to stick to their growth edge (mine being boundaries) so if I choose to say no to something, I am encouraged by them.  

Brene Brown describes boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok”.  Since the weekend there have been many moments where I have been challenged by life to stick to my boundaries.  Since being back at home I am a much more peaceful, loving and accepting individual where little issues were just that …. little.  Instead of getting upset I used my new found growth to discuss them in a loving, firm, connecting way to inspire the kind of behaviour I want towards me and others. 

This last Friday night instead of quietly complimenting my family in whispers, I said out loud (just this once) what I loved about each person.  Then they in turn responded with what they have noticed or love about me.  One of my children looked at me and said “Mom what I have noticed about you this week is that you have an inner strength and it is rubbing off on all of us”.  Tears to my eyes.

When we let people get away with behaviours that are not okay we can become resentful and hateful.  I am choosing not to allow that to happen anymore.  I want to be peaceful, loving and connecting and I am important enough not to accept certain things that are not okay for me.  Boundaries are not walls or rifts they are respect.  

There may be brief sweating when setting boundaries because doing so could bring on other people’s disappointments and could make them angry.  Once they understand that this is not a once-off, things will change.  I used to think that setting boundaries was too strict and I should be doing things for everybody (or else maybe they won’t like me or our relationship will end).  What I have realised though is that setting boundaries is kind.  Not just to me but to them.  Lying about your true feelings and then holding resentment is not loving and caring and doesn’t keep relationships healthy.

I am deeply grateful for having experienced the More to Life weekend once again and I encourage you to look out for it next time (November).

Sending you much love, my precious reader.

Eve

Why are you unhappy?

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smileWe were designed in such an interesting way.  In our formative years (age 0 – 7) “they” say our personalities are formed.  All our experiences – hard or happy – mold us into the adults we become.  No matter how easy or difficult our childhoods were we all have hang ups.


So now, as adults, we have subconscious thoughts and chatter that goes on in our minds that we are unaware of.  These thoughts come from decisions we made as children based on our experiences at the time.

We don’t usually know what our underlying thoughts are or even that we are thinking them but they are there nonetheless and they cause us much unhappiness, grief and sometimes physical or mental illness.

I have been trained (by More to Life) to unpack these thoughts which are usually judgements, expectations and false beliefs and to challenge their truth.

When unpacking your subconscious thoughts you will be amazed at how hard you are on yourself (or others).  This is what makes you unhappy or even ill.

You are more than your thoughts and you are more than the negative things you believe about yourself.  You are enough as you already are.

I am available to help you find your happiness and your good health so be in contact.

I also want to encourage you to consider the More to Life weekend (click for the link) if you live in South Africa, which will be held from Saturday night to Monday night 15 – 17 June 2019.  It transformed my life and I still use the tools today that I learned on the weekend I attended 9 years ago.  I would be happy to assist you with any information that you need.

With love
Eve

If only I had done it differently

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Let go that things could have been differentEvery now and then I get upset with myself for not doing something I should have or for doing something I shouldn’t have.  For me it’s often about how I’ve been as a parent.  I feel guilt and regret and think, if only I had done it differently.

Think about the person or situation that applies to you in this case.

Is it a given that things would have turned out well if you had done things in another way?

Well maybe you could have done things differently (there’s always scope for growth) and there is a possibility that the situation could have turned out better but how do you know that things would have turned out the way you think they should have?

Maybe not much would have changed or maybe the scenario would have gone in a completely different direction (good or bad).  Maybe you worry a lot about things you can’t control.  After all you can’t change what has already happened.  At the most you can apologise and make amends and work at changing the way you behave now.

We have expectations about how life should be but life doesn’t happen in neat little packages.  It happens the way it happens and we often have very little control of the outcome.

Instead of holding on to guilt of the past, rather spend your energy being the best you can be now.  Beating yourself up is going to do nothing except give you bruises.

With love
Eve

Moving Past Guilt

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guilty.jpgA few things about guilt and how to change it.

Guilt is often caused by something we think we did or didn’t do.  We think we should have acted differently in the scenario.

An example would be that you said something to someone and they felt hurt by what you said.  You feel guilty about it and stew in your guilt, often avoiding the person or feeling awkward in their presence.  Maybe both of you will treat each other differently now.  What can you do about it?

Feeling guilty is an emotion that may be calling you to do something.  You may have gone against your own value system and you have an opportunity to rectify things. Can you make amends?  Can you apologise?  The way to deal with guilt is to give yourself some time to feel guilty about the particular situation …. say 15 minutes.  Then forgive yourself and make amends or choose do things differently next time.

If we hold onto guilt we may start punishing ourselves without realising it.  We can even become ashamed which means we start to point fingers at ourselves (as a person instead of just the action that was done).  We berate ourselves and put ourselves down.

Did you do as much wrong as you think you did?  Was there something more you could have done if the situation had been different?  Maybe you are being very hard on yourself, harder than you think.

1) Forgive yourself

2) Realise you are human

3) If there is something you can do to make amends, do it.

4) If you think there is nothing you can do to make amends you may be mistaken because even if the person is no longer around, you can do a good deed in their name.

5) Remember all the things you do right.

6) Talk to someone who can help if you are not managing to sort through this.

Being the best version of yourself takes a lifetime, don’t expect perfection.  Doing your best to grow is how you will get there.

With love
Eve

Society: Be Yourself. Society: No not like that

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accidental iconLyn Slater (pictured here) is a 64 year old Professor who became an accidental fashion icon.  She was at Fashion Week with her friend and suddenly the photographers and journalists were standing around her, taking her photo and speaking to her because they thought she was a fashion icon.  She since started a blog called Accidental Icon and you can find her anywhere on the internet.  She does not dress according to her age, wears what she likes the most, (she doesn’t usually show much skin) and to me looks (and is) amazing!

Society is much more accepting these days about differences, sometimes to a fault, but in so many ways it is refreshing and easier than it used to be.  Who we hang around with also dictates to some degree how we think we should be and we tend to shrink back and try and fit in.  Of course we do need to fit in to some degree because it is natural for people to accept those who are like them.

How we behave, dress, live is dictated by our values.  At the same time if you are the type of person who shrinks back because you don’t want to make waves or are scared to be unliked and so hide true parts of yourself and don’t feel very fulfilled, stepping out and being yourself more may be a growth spurt opportunity.

There are so many ways where we may feel “less than” and are constantly trying to fit in… it could be by spending money we don’t have – to look better, drive better cars, have perfect homes – or it could be in the way we behave – laughing at people’s jokes when we don’t think they are funny or gossiping along with them because we want to be accepted into their circle.

We don’t show up for ourselves because we believe we are inferior or not good enough or unworthy.

When you want to do something that brings out some of your essence there’s a certain amount of excitement and satisfaction that fills you.

Are there some ways that you hold yourself back from expressing yourself?  What are they?

Do you find that you try and fit in by compromising yourself?

Learn to love yourself as you are and express yourself in a way that brings out who you are to the world.

With love
Eve

Specificity

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specificWelcome to 2019!  I hope you had a good rest during the festive season.

Most people make new years resolutions and here’s a couple of tips to make them actually work…..

BE VERY SPECIFIC

Don’t just say “I want to write more this year” – rather say “I want to write one blog a week”.  That’s what I mean by being specific.  Instead of “I am going to exercise more this year”, be specific and say “I am going to walk with a partner 3 times a week”.  Name the partner if you know who it is.

WRITE THEM DOWN

Keeping the resolutions in your head will result in them staying there.  You will soon forget about them.  Write them down and keep them in a prominent place so that you can keep looking at them.

THINK BIG

Don’t sell yourself short by thinking that you might not be able to do it.  Rather believe that you can.  If you achieve even 70% of your goal you have still succeeded.

BE REALISTIC

At the same time be realistic.  If you say, I am going to run the Comrades this year but you don’t even run bath water then rather choose something more realistic by starting off with something you CAN manage.  Maybe next year you WILL be able to run the Comrades if you start training now.

Book an online session with me to work through your goals privately. Are you going to let another year pass you by?

I wish you an amazing year filled with everything you wish for yourself.   Don’t just wish it, do it!

With love
Eve